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- 68 CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
Struggle, he never for a single instant all that time could
believe in the carrying out of his plans.
And, indeed, if it had ever happened that everything to the
least point could have been considered and finally settled, and
no uncertainty of any kind had remained, he would, it seems,
have renounced it all as something absurd, monstrous and im-
possible. But a whole mass of unsettled points and uncertainties
remained. As for getting the axe, that trifling business cost
him no anxiety, for nothing could be easier. Nastasya was con-
tinually out of the house, especially in the evenings; she would
run in to the neighbours or to a shop, and always left the door
ajar. It was the one thing the landlady was always scolding
her about. And so when the time came, he would only have to
go quietly into the kitchen and to take the axe, and an hour
later (when everything was over) go in and put it back again.
But these were doubtful points. Supposing he returned an hour
later to put it back, and Nastasya had come back and was on
the spot. He would of course have to go by and wait till she
went out again. But supposing she were in the meantime to miss
the axe, look for it, make an outcry — that would mean suspicion
or at least grounds for suspicion.
But those were all trifles which he had not even begun to
consider, and indeed he had no time. He was thinking of the
chief point, and put off trifling details, until he could believe in
it all. But that seemed utterly unattainable. So it seemed to him-
self atleast. He could not imagine, for instance, that he would
sometime leave off thinking, get up and simply go there. . . .
Even his late experiment {i.e. his visit with the object of a final
survey of the place) was simply an attempt at an experiment,
far from being the real thing, as though one should say "come,
let us go and try it— why dream about it!" — and at once he had
broken down and had run away cursing, in a frenzy with him-
self. Meanwhile it would seem, as regards the moral question,
that his analysis was complete; his casuistry had become keen
as a razor, and he could not find rational objections in himself.
But in the last resort he simply ceased to believe in himself, and
doggedly, slavishly sought arguments in all directions, fumbling
for them, as though some one were forcing and dravnng him
to it.
At first — ^long before indeed — he had been much occupied
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