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- 14 CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
for she's been used to cleanliness from a child. But her chest is
weak and she has a tendency to consumption and I feel it! Do
you suppose I don't feel it? And the more I drink the more I
feel it. That's why I drink too. I try to find sympathy and feel-
ing in drink. ... I drink so that I may suffer twice as much!"
And as though in despair he laid his head down on the table.
"Young man," he went on, raising his head again, "in your
face I seem to read some trouble of mind. When you came in I
read it, and that was why I addressed you at once. For in un-
folding toyou the story of my life, I do not wish to make myself
a laughing-stock before these idle listeners, who indeed know all
about it already, but I am looking for a man of feeling and
education. Know then that my wife was educated in a high-
class school for the daughters of noblemen, and on leaving she
danced the shawl dance before the governor and other person-
ages for which she was presented with a gold medal and a certifi-
cate of merit. The medal . . . well, the medal of course was sold
ā long ago, hm . . . but the certificate of merit is in her trunk
still and not long ago she showed it to our landlady. And al-
though she is most continually on bad terms with the landlady,
yet she wanted to tell some one or other of her past honours and
of the happy days that are gone. I don't condemn her for it,
I don't blame her, for the one thing left her is recollection of the
past, and all the rest is dust and ashes. Yes, yes, she is a lady of
spirit, proud and determined. She scrubs the floors herself and
has nothing but black bread to eat, but won't allow herself to
be treated with disrespect. That's why she would not overlook
Mr. Lebeziatnikov's rudeness to her, and so when he gave her a
beating for it, she took to her bed more from the hurt to her
feelings than from the blows. She was a widow when I married
her, with three children, one smaller than the other. She mar-
ried her first husband, an infantry officer, for love, and ran away
with him from her father's house. She was exceedingly fond of
her husband; but he gave way to cards, got into trouble and
with that he died. He used to beat her at the end: and although
she paid him back, of which I have authentic documentary evi-
dence, to this day she speaks of him with tears and she throws
him up at me; and I am glad, I am glad that, though only in
imagination, she should think of herself as having once been
happy. . . , And she was left at his death with three children
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