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- 44 CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
once, and do it quickly. Anyway he must decide on something,
or else ...
"Or throw up life altogether!" he cried suddenly, in a frenzy
ā "accept one's lot humbly as it is, once for all and stifle every-
thing inoneself, giving up all claim to activity, life and love!"
"Do you understand, sir, do you understand what it means
when you have absolutely nowhere to turn?" Marmeladov's
question came suddenly into his mind "for every man must
have somewhere to turn. ..."
He gave a sudden start; another thought, that he had had
yesterday, slipped back into his mind. But he did not start at
the thought recurring to him, for he knew, he had felt before-
hand, that it must come back, he was expecting it; besides it
was not only yesterday's thought. The difference was that a
month ago, yesterday even, the thought was a mere dream: but
now . . . now it appeared not a dream at all, it had taken a new
menacing and quite unfamiliar shape, and he suddenly became
aware of this himself. . . . He felt a hammering in his head, and
there was a darkness before his eyes.
He looked round hurriedly, he was searching for something.
He wanted to sit down and was looking for a seat; he was
walking along the K Boulevard. There was a seat about a
hundred paces in front of him. He walked towards it as fast as
he could; but on'the way he met with a little adventure which
absorbed all his attention. Looking for the seat, he had noticed
a woman walking some twenty paces in front of him, but at
first he took no more notice of her than of other objects that
crossed his path. It had happened to him many times going home
not to notice the road by which he was going, and he was accus-
tomed to walk like that. But there was at first sight something
so strange about the woman in front of him, that gradually his
attention was riveted upon her, at first reluctantly and, as it
were, resentfully, and then more and more intently. He felt a
sudden desire to find out what it was that was so strange about
the woman. In the first place, she appeared to be a girl quite
young, and she was walking in the great heat bareheaded and
with no parasol or gloves, waving her arms about in an absurd
way. She had on a dress of some light silky material, but put
on strangely awry, not properly hooked up, and torn open at the
top of the skirt, close to the waist: a great piece was rent and
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