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- 20 CRIMEANDPUNISHMENT
but it is not a laughing matter to me. For I can feel it all. . . .
And the whole of that heavenly day of my life and the whole
of that evening I passed in fleeting dreams of how I would
arrange it all, and how I would dress all the children, and how
I should give her rest, and how I should rescue my own daughter
from dishonour and restore her to the bosom of her family. . . .
And a great deal more. . . . Quite excusable, sir. Well, then, sir
(Marmeladov suddenly gave a sort of start, raised his head
and gazed intently at his listener) well, on the very next day
after all those dreams, that is to say, exactly five days ago, in
the evening, by a cunning trick, like a thief in the night, I stole
from Katerina Ivanovna the key of her box, took out what
was left of my earnings, how much it was I have forgotten,
and now look at me, all of you! It's the fifth day since I left
home, and they are looking for me there and it's the end of my
employment, and my uniform is lying in a tavern on the
Egyptian bridge. I. exchanged it for the garments I have on . . .
and it's the end of everything!"
Marmeladov struck his forehead with his fist, clenched his
teeth, closed his eyes and leaned heavily with his elbow on the
table. But a minute later his face suddenly changed and with
a certain assumed slyness and affectation of bravado, he glanced
at Raskolnikov, laughed and said:
"This morning I went to see Sonia, I went to ask her for a
pick-me up! He-he-he!"
"You don't say she gave it to you?" cried one of the new-
comers; heshouted the words and went off into a gufifaw.
"This very quart was bought with her money," Marmeladov
declared, addressing himself exclusively to Raskolnikov,
"Thirty copecks she gave me with her own hands, her last,
all she had, as I saw. . . . She said nothing, she only looked at me
without a w;ord. . . . Not on earth, but up yonder . . . they grieve-
over men, they weep, but they don't blame them, they don't
blame them! But it hurts more, it hurts more when they don't
blame! Thirty copecks yes! And maybe she needs them now,
eh? What do you think, my dear sir? For now she's got to keep
up her appearance. It costs money, that smartness, that special
smartness, you know? Do you understand? And there's poma-
tum, too, you see, she must have things; petticoats, starched
ones, shoes too, real jaunty ones to show ofiF her foot when
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