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- CRIME AND PUNISHMENT 15
in a wild and remote district where I happened to be at the time;
and she was left in such hopeless poverty that, although I have
seen many ups and downs of all sort, I don't feel equal to de-
scribing iteven. Her relations had all thrown her off. And she
was proud, too, excessively proud. . . .And then, honoured sir,
and then, I, being at the time a widower, with a daughter of
fourteen left me by my first wife, offered her my hand, for I
could not bear the sight of such suffering. You can judge the
extremity of her calamities, that she, a woman of education and
culture and distinguished family, should have consented to be
my wife. But she did! Weeping and sobbing and wringing her
hands, she married me! For she had nowhere to turn! Do you
understand, sir, do you understand what it means when you
have absolutely nowhere to turn? No, that you don't under-
stand yet. . . . And for a whole year, I performed my duties
conscientiously and faithfully, and did not touch this" (he
tapped the jug with his finger) , "for I have feelings. But even
so, I could not please her; and then I lost my place too, and
that through no fault of mine but through changes in the office;
and then I did touch it! ... It will be a year and a half ago
soon since we found ourselves at last after many wanderings
and numerous calamities in this magnificent capital, adorned
with innumerable monuments. Here too I obtained a situation.
... I obtained it and I lost it again. Do you understand? This
time it was through my own fault I lost it: for my weakness had
come out. . . . We have now part of a room at Amalia Fyodo-
rovna LipiJevechsel's; and what we live upon and what we pay
our rent with, I could not say. There are a lot of people living
there besides ourselves. Dirt and disorder, a perfect Bedlam . . .
hm . . . yes . . . And meanwhile my daughter by my first wife
has grown up; and what my daughter has had to put up with
from her step-mother whilst she was growing up, I won't speak
of. For, though Katerina Ivanovna is full of generous feelings,
she is a spirited lady, irritable and short-tempered. . . . Yes. But
it's no use going over that! Sonia, as you may well fancy, has
had no education. I did make an effort four years ago to give her
a course of geography and universal history, but as I was not
very well up in those subjects myself and we had no suitable
books, and what books we had . . . hm, any way we have not
€ven those now, so all our instruction came to an end. We
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