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- 98 CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
position. ... I am ready to ask pardon, if I have been ill-man-
nered. Iam a poor student, sick and shattered (shattered was
the word he used) by poverty. I am not studying, because I
cannot keep myself now, but I shall get money. ... I have a
mother and sister in the province of X. They will send it me,
and I will pay. My landlady is a good-hearted woman, but she
is so exasperated at my having lost my lessons, and not paying
her for the last four months, that she does not even send up my
dinner . . . and I don't understond this i.o.u. at all. She is ask-
ing me to pay her on this i.o.u. How am I to pay her? Judge
for yourselves! ..."
"But that is not our business, you know," the head clerk was
observing.
"Yes, yes. I perfectly agree with you. But allow me to ex-
plain ..." Raskolnikov put in again, still addressing Nikodim
Fomitch, but trying his best to address Ilya Petrovitch also,
though the latter persistently appeared to be rummaging among
his papers and to be contemptuously oblivious of him. "Allow
me to explain that I have been living with her for nearly three
years and at first ... at first . . • for why should I not confess it,
at the very beginning I promised to marry her daughter, it was
a verbal promise, freely given . . . she was a girl . . . indeed, I
liked her, though I was not in love with her ... a youthful
affair in fact . . . that is, I mean to say, that my landlady gave
me credit freely in those days, and I led a life of ... I was very
heedless ..."
"Nobody asks you for these personal details, sir, we've no
time to waste," Ilya Petrovitch interposed roughly and with a
note of triumph; but Raskolnikov stopped him hotly, though
he suddenly found it exceedingly difficult to speak.
"But excuse me, excuse me. It is for me to explain . . . how
it all happened ... In my turn . . . though I agree with you
... it is unnecessary. But a year ago, the girl died of typhus.
I remained lodging there as before, and when my landlady moved
into her present quarters, she said to me . . . and in a friendly
way . . . that she had complete trust in me, but still, would I
not give her an i.o.u. for one hundred and fifteen roubles, all the
debt I owed her. She said if only I gave her that, she would
trust me again, as much as I liked, and that she would never,
Aever — those were her own words — ^make use of that i.o.u. till
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