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- 298 CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
though hesitating what he would say. But there was a look of
sharp determination in his white face.
"I meant to say ... as I was coming here ... I meant to tell
you, mother, and you, Dounia, that it would be better for us
to part for a time. I feel ill, I am not at peace. ... I will come
afterwards, I will come of myself . . . when it's possible, I re-
member you and love you. . . . Leav« me, leave me alone. I de-
cided this even before . . . I'm absolutely resolved on it. What-
ever may come to me, whether I come to ruin or not, I want to
be alone. Forget me altogether, it's better. Don't inquire about
me. When I can, I'll come of myself or . . . I'll send for you.
Perhaps it will all come back, but now if you love me, give me
up . . . else I shall begin to hate you, I feel it. . . . Good-bye!"
"Good God!" cried Pulcheria Alexandrovna. Both his mother
and his sister were terribly alarmed. Razumihin was also.
"Rodya, Rodya, be reconciled with us! Let us be as before!"
cried his poor mother.
He turned slowly to the door and slowly went out of the
room. Dounia overtook him.
"Brother, what are you doing to mother?" she whispered,
her eyes flashing with indignation.
He looked dully at her.
"No matter, I shall come. . . . I'm coming," he muttered in
an undertone, as though not fully conscious of what he was
saying, and he went out of the room.
"Wicked, heartless egoist!" cried Dounia.
"He is insane, but not heartless. He is mad! Don't you see it?
You're heartless after that!" Razumihin whispered in her ear,
squeezing her hand tightly. "I shall be back directly," he shouted
to the horror-stricken mother, and he ran out of the room.
Raskolnikov was waiting for him at the end of the passage.
"I knew you would run after me," he said. "Go back to them
— be with them ... be with them to-morrow and always. ... I
. . . perhaps I shall come ... if I can. Good-bye."
And without holding out his hand he walked away.
"But where are you going? What are you doing? What's the
matter withr you? How can you go on like this?" Razumihin
muttered, at his wits' end.
Raskolnikov stopped once more.
"Once for all, never ask me about anything. I have nothing
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