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- CRIME AND PUNISHMENT 487
been waiting a long time. He stopped short in the doorway. She
rose from the sofa in dismay and stood up facing him. Her eyes
fixed upon him, betrayed horror and infinite grief. And fron
those eyes alone he saw at once that she knew.
"Am I to come in or go away?" he asked uncertainly.
"I've been all day with Sofya Semyonovna. We were both
waiting for you. We thought that you would be sure to come
there."Raskolnikov went into the room and sank exhausted on a
chair.
"I feel weak, Dounia, I am very tired; and I should have liked
at this moment to be able to control myself."
He glanced at her mistrustfully.
"Where were you all night?"
"I don't remember clearly. You see, sister, I wanted to make
up my mind once for all, and several times I walked by the
Neva, I remember that I wanted to end it all there, but ... I
couldn't make up my mind," he whispered, looking at her mis-
trustfully again.
"Thank God! That was just what we were afraid of, Sofya
Semyonovna and I. Then you still have faith in life? Thank
God, thank God!"
Raskolnikov smiled bitterly.
"I haven't faith, but I have just been weeping in mother's
arms; I haven't faith, but I have just asked her to pray for me.
I don't know how it is, Dounia, I don't vmderstand it."
"Have you been at mother's? Have you told her?" cried
Dounia, horror-stricken. "Surely you haven't done that?"
"No, I didn't tell her ... in words; but she understood a
great deal. She heard you talking in your sleep. I am sure she
half understands it already. Perhaps I did wrong in going to see
her. I don't know why I did go. I am a contemptible person,
Dounia."
"A contemptible person, but ready to face suffering! You
are, aren't you?"
"Yes, I am going. At once. Yes, to escape the disgrace I
thought of drowning myself, Dounia, but as I looked into the
water, I thought that if I had considered myself strong till now
I'd better not be afraid of disgrace," he said, hurrying on. "It's
pride, Dounia."
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