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- f94 CRIME AND PUNISHMENT
{lira, as though it had been lying in wait to strike him then.
"Why, with what object did I go to her just now? I told her
— on business; on what business? I had no sort of business!
To tell her I was going; but where was the need? Do I love
her? No, no, I drove her away just now like a dog. Did I want
her crosses? Oh, how low I've sunk! No, I wanted her tears, I
wanted to see her terror, to see how her heart ached! I had to
have something to cling to, something to delay me, some
friendly face to see! And I dared to believe in myself, to dream
of what I would do! I am a beggarly contemptible wretch,
contemptible!"
He walked along the canal bank, and he had not much fur-
ther to go. But on reaching the bridge he stopped and turning
out of his way along it went to the Hay Market.
He looked eagerly to right and left, gazed intently at every
object and could not fix his attention on anything; everything
slipped away. "In another week, another month I shall be driven
in a prison van over this bridge, how shall I look at the canal
then? I should like to remember this!" slipped into his mind.
"Look at this sign! How shall I read those letters then? It's
written here 'Campany,' that's a thing to remember, that letter
a, and to look at it again in a month — how shall I look at it then?
What shall I be feeling and thinking then? . . . How trivial it all
must be, what I am fretting about now! Of course it must all be
interesting ... in its way . . . (Ha-ha-ha! What am I thinking
about?) I am becoming a baby, I am showing off to myself;
why am I ashamed? Foo, how people shove! that fat man — a
German he must be — who pushed against me, does he know
whom he pushed? There's a peasant woman with a baby, beg-
ging. It's curious that she thinks me happier than she is. I might
give her something, for the incongruity of it. Here's a five co-
peck piece left in my pocket, where did I get it? Here, here . . .
take it, my good woman!"
"God bless you," the beggar chanted in a lachrymose voice.
He went into the Hay Market. It was distasteful, very dis-
tasteful tobe in a crowd, but he walked jvist where he saw most
people. He would have given anything in the world to be alone;
but he knew himself that he would not have remained alon**
for a moment. There was a man drunk and disorderly in the
crowd; he kept trying to dance and falling down. There was
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