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- CRIME AND PUNISHMENT 515
On the evening of the same day, when the barracks were
locked, Raskolnikov lay on his plank bed and thought of her.
He had even fancied that day that all the convicts who had been
his enemies looked at him differently; he had even entered into
talk with them and they answered him in a friendly way. He
remembered that now, and thought it was bound to be so.
Wasn't everything now bound to be changed?
He thought of her. He remembered how continually he had
tormented her and wounded her heart. He remembered her pale
and thin little face. But these recollections scarcely troubled
him now; he knew with what infinite love he would now repay
all her sufferings. And what were all, all the agonies of the past!
Everything, even his crime, his sentence and imprisonment,
seemed to him now in the first rush of feeling an external,
strange fact with which he had no concern. But he could not
think for long together of anything that evening, and he could
not have analysed anything consciously; he was simply feeling.
Life had stepped into the place of theory and something quite
different would work itself out in his mind.
Under his pillow lay the New Testament. He took it up
mechanically. The book belonged to Sonia; it was the one from
which she had read the raising of Lazarus to him. At first he
was afraid that she would worry him about religion, would talk
about the gospel and pester him with books. But to his great
surprise she had not once approached the subject and had not
even offered him the Testament. He had asked her for it himself
not long before his illness and she brought him the book without
a word. Till now he had not opened it.
He did not open it now, but one thought passed through his
mind: "Can her convictions not be mine now? Her feelings,
her aspirations at least. . . ."
She too had been greatly agitated that day, and at night she
was taken ill again. But she was so happy — and so unexpectedly
happy — that she was almost frightened of her happiness. Seven
years, only seven years! At the beginning of their happiness at
some moments they were both ready to look on those seven years
as though they were seven days. He did not know that the new
life would not be given him for nothing, that he would have to
pay dearly for it, that it would cost him great striving, great
suffering.
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