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- CRIME AND PUNISHMENT 385
decision — who has made me a judge to decide who is to live and
who is not to Uve?"
"Oh, if the Divine Providence is to be mixed up in it, there is
no doing anything," Raskolnikov grumbled morosely.
"You'd better say straight out what you want!" Sonia cried
in distress. "You are leading up to something again. . . . Can
you have come simply to torture me?"
She could not control herself and began crying bitterly. He
looked at her in gloomy misery. Five minutes passed.
"Of course you're right, Sonia," he said softly at last. He
was suddenly changed. His tone of assumed arrogance and
helpless defiance was gone. Even his voice was suddenly weak.
"I told you yesterday that I was not coming to ask forgiveness
and almost the first thing I've said is to ask forgiveness. ... I
said that about Luzhin and Providence for my own sake. I was
asking forgiveness, Sonia. . , ."
He tried to smile, but there was something helpless and in-
complete inhis pale smile. He bowed his head and hid his face
in his hands.
And suddenly a strange, svurprising sensation of a sort of
bitter hatred for Sonia passed through his heart. As it were
wondering and frightened of this sensation, he raised his head
and looked intently at her; but he met her uneasy and painfully
anxious eyes fixed on him; there was love in them; his hatred
vanished like a phantom. It was not the real feeling; he had
taken the one feeling for the other. It only meant that that
minute had come.
He hid his face in his hands again and bowed his head. Sud-
denly heturned pale, got up from his chair, looked at Sonia, and
without uttering a word sat down mechanically on her bed.
His sensations that moment were terribly like the moment
when he had stood over the old woman with the axe in his hand
and felt that "he must not lose another minute."
"What's the matter?" asked Sonia, dreadfully frightened.
He could not utter a word. This was not at all, not at all the
way he had intended to "tell" and he did not understand what
was hapf>ening to him now. ,She went up to him, softly, sz",
down on the bed beside him and waited, not taking her eyes
off him. Her heart throbbed and sank. It was unendurable; he
turned his deadly pale face to her. His lips worked, helplessly
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