- end_line
- 9466
- extracted_at
- 2026-01-30T20:48:26.985Z
- extracted_by
- structure-extraction-lambda
- start_line
- 9389
- text
- with a deeply embarrassed air, requested my daughter to designate at
which of the nine he should find exit. When the mischievous Anna told me
the story, she said it was surprising how unaffected and matter-of-fact
the young gentleman’s manner was after his reappearance. He was more
candid than ever, to be sure; having inadvertently thrust his white kids
into an open drawer of Havana sugar, under the impression, probably,
that being what they call ‘a sweet fellow,’ his route might possibly lie
in that direction.
Another inconvenience resulting from the chimney is, the bewilderment of
a guest in gaining his chamber, many strange doors lying between him and
it. To direct him by finger-posts would look rather queer; and just as
queer in him to be knocking at every door on his route, like London’s
city guest, the King, at Temple Bar.
Now, of all these things and many, many more, my family continually
complained. At last my wife came out with her sweeping proposition--_in
toto_ to abolish the chimney.
‘What!’ said I, ‘abolish the chimney? To take out the backbone of
anything, wife, is a hazardous affair. Spines out of backs, and chimneys
out of houses, are not to be taken like frosted lead-pipes from the
ground. Besides,’ added I, ‘the chimney is the one grand permanence of
this abode. If undisturbed by innovators, then in future ages, when all
the house shall have crumbled from it, this chimney will still
survive--a Bunker Hill monument. No, no, wife, I can’t abolish my
backbone.’
So said I then. But who is sure of himself, especially an old man, with
both wife and daughters ever at his elbow and ear? In time, I was
persuaded to think a little better of it; in short, to take the matter
into preliminary consideration. At length it came to pass that a master
mason--a rough sort of architect--one Mr. Scribe, was summoned to a
conference. I formally introduced him to my chimney. A previous
introduction from my wife had introduced him to myself. He had been not
a little employed by that lady, in preparing plans and estimates for
some of her extensive operations in drainage. Having, with much ado,
extorted from my spouse the promise that she would leave us to an
unmolested survey, I began by leading Mr. Scribe down to the root of the
matter, in the cellar. Lamp in hand, I descended; for though upstairs it
was noon, below it was night.
We seemed in the pyramids; and I, with one hand holding my lamp over
head, and with the other pointing out, in the obscurity, the hoar mass
of the chimney, seemed some Arab guide, showing the cobwebbed mausoleum
of the great god Apis.
‘This is a most remarkable structure, sir,’ said the master mason, after
long contemplating it in silence, ‘a most remarkable structure, sir.’
‘Yes,’ said I, complacently, ‘everyone says so.’
‘But large as it appears above the roof, I would not have inferred the
magnitude of this foundation, sir,’ eyeing it critically.
Then taking out his rule, he measured it.
‘Twelve feet square; one hundred and forty-four square feet! Sir, this
house would appear to have been built simply for the accommodation of
your chimney.’
‘Yes, my chimney and me. Tell me candidly, now,’ I added, ‘would you
have such a famous chimney abolished?’
‘I wouldn’t have it in a house of mine, sir, for a gift,’ was the reply.
‘It’s a losing affair altogether, sir. Do you know, sir, that in
retaining this chimney, you are losing, not only one hundred and
forty-four square feet of good ground, but likewise a considerable
interest upon a considerable principal?’
‘How?’
‘Look, sir,’ said he, taking a bit of red chalk from his pocket, and
figuring against a whitewashed wall, ‘twenty times eight is so and so;
then forty-two times thirty-nine is so and so--ain’t it, sir? Well, add
those together, and subtract this here, then that makes so and so,’
still chalking away.
- title
- Chunk 12