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- confessions
- text
- there, that I should be gratuitously evil, having no temptation to ill,
but the ill itself. It was foul, and I loved it; I loved to perish,
I loved mine own fault, not that for which I was faulty, but my fault
itself. Foul soul, falling from Thy firmament to utter destruction; not
seeking aught through the shame, but the shame itself!
For there is an attractiveness in beautiful bodies, in gold and silver,
and all things; and in bodily touch, sympathy hath much influence, and
each other sense hath his proper object answerably tempered. Worldy
honour hath also its grace, and the power of overcoming, and of mastery;
whence springs also the thirst of revenge. But yet, to obtain all these,
we may not depart from Thee, O Lord, nor decline from Thy law. The life
also which here we live hath its own enchantment, through a certain
proportion of its own, and a correspondence with all things beautiful
here below. Human friendship also is endeared with a sweet tie, by
reason of the unity formed of many souls. Upon occasion of all these,
and the like, is sin committed, while through an immoderate inclination
towards these goods of the lowest order, the better and higher are
forsaken,--Thou, our Lord God, Thy truth, and Thy law. For these lower
things have their delights, but not like my God, who made all things;
for in Him doth the righteous delight, and He is the joy of the upright
in heart.
When, then, we ask why a crime was done, we believe it not, unless it
appear that there might have been some desire of obtaining some of those
which we called lower goods, or a fear of losing them. For they are
beautiful and comely; although compared with those higher and beatific
goods, they be abject and low. A man hath murdered another; why? he
loved his wife or his estate; or would rob for his own livelihood; or
feared to lose some such things by him; or, wronged, was on fire to be
revenged. Would any commit murder upon no cause, delighted simply in
murdering? who would believe it? for as for that furious and savage man,
of whom it is said that he was gratuitously evil and cruel, yet is the
cause assigned; "lest" (saith he) "through idleness hand or heart should
grow inactive." And to what end? that, through that practice of guilt,
he might, having taken the city, attain to honours, empire, riches, and
be freed from fear of the laws, and his embarrassments from domestic
needs, and consciousness of villainies. So then, not even Catiline
himself loved his own villainies, but something else, for whose sake he
did them.
What then did wretched I so love in thee, thou theft of mine, thou deed
of darkness, in that sixteenth year of my age? Lovely thou wert not,
because thou wert theft. But art thou any thing, that thus I speak to
thee? Fair were the pears we stole, because they were Thy creation, Thou
fairest of all, Creator of all, Thou good God; God, the sovereign good
and my true good. Fair were those pears, but not them did my wretched
soul desire; for I had store of better, and those I gathered, only that
I might steal. For, when gathered, I flung them away, my only feast
therein being my own sin, which I was pleased to enjoy. For if aught
of those pears came within my mouth, what sweetened it was the sin.
And now, O Lord my God, I enquire what in that theft delighted me; and
behold it hath no loveliness; I mean not such loveliness as in justice
and wisdom; nor such as is in the mind and memory, and senses, and
animal life of man; nor yet as the stars are glorious and beautiful in
their orbs; or the earth, or sea, full of embryo-life, replacing by its
birth that which decayeth; nay, nor even that false and shadowy beauty
which belongeth to deceiving vices.
For so doth pride imitate exaltedness; whereas Thou alone art God
exalted over all. Ambition, what seeks it, but honours and glory?
whereas Thou alone art to be honoured above all, and glorious for
evermore. The cruelty of the great would fain be feared; but who is
to be feared but God alone, out of whose power what can be wrested or
withdrawn? when, or where, or whither, or by whom? The tendernesses of
the wanton would fain be counted love: yet is nothing more tender than
Thy charity; nor is aught loved more healthfully than that Thy truth,
bright and beautiful above all. Curiosity makes semblance of a desire
of knowledge; whereas Thou supremely knowest all. Yea, ignorance
and foolishness itself is cloaked under the name of simplicity and
uninjuriousness; because nothing is found more single than Thee: and
what less injurious, since they are his own works which injure the
sinner? Yea, sloth would fain be at rest; but what stable rest besides
the Lord? Luxury affects to be called plenty and abundance; but Thou art
the fulness and never-failing plenteousness of incorruptible pleasures.
Prodigality presents a shadow of liberality: but Thou art the most
overflowing Giver of all good. Covetousness would possess many things;
and Thou possessest all things. Envy disputes for excellency: what more
excellent than Thou? Anger seeks revenge: who revenges more justly
than Thou? Fear startles at things unwonted and sudden, which endangers
things beloved, and takes forethought for their safety; but to Thee what
unwonted or sudden, or who separateth from Thee what Thou lovest? Or
where but with Thee is unshaken safety? Grief pines away for things
lost, the delight of its desires; because it would have nothing taken
from it, as nothing can from Thee.
Thus doth the soul commit fornication, when she turns from Thee, seeking
without Thee, what she findeth not pure and untainted, till she returns
to Thee. Thus all pervertedly imitate Thee, who remove far from Thee,
and lift themselves up against Thee. But even by thus imitating Thee,
they imply Thee to be the Creator of all nature; whence there is no
place whither altogether to retire from Thee. What then did I love in
that theft? and wherein did I even corruptly and pervertedly imitate my
Lord? Did I wish even by stealth to do contrary to Thy law, because
by power I could not, so that being a prisoner, I might mimic a maimed
liberty by doing with impunity things unpermitted me, a darkened
likeness of Thy Omnipotency? Behold, Thy servant, fleeing from his Lord,
and obtaining a shadow. O rottenness, O monstrousness of life, and depth
of death! could I like what I might not, only because I might not?
What shall I render unto the Lord, that, whilst my memory recalls these
things, my soul is not affrighted at them? I will love Thee, O Lord,
and thank Thee, and confess unto Thy name; because Thou hast forgiven me
these so great and heinous deeds of mine. To Thy grace I ascribe it, and
to Thy mercy, that Thou hast melted away my sins as it were ice. To Thy
grace I ascribe also whatsoever I have not done of evil; for what might
I not have done, who even loved a sin for its own sake? Yea, all I
confess to have been forgiven me; both what evils I committed by my own
wilfulness, and what by Thy guidance I committed not. What man is
he, who, weighing his own infirmity, dares to ascribe his purity and
innocency to his own strength; that so he should love Thee the less, as
if he had less needed Thy mercy, whereby Thou remittest sins to those
that turn to Thee? For whosoever, called by Thee, followed Thy voice,
and avoided those things which he reads me recalling and confessing
of myself, let him not scorn me, who being sick, was cured by that
Physician, through whose aid it was that he was not, or rather was less,
sick: and for this let him love Thee as much, yea and more; since by
whom he sees me to have been recovered from such deep consumption of
sin, by Him he sees himself to have been from the like consumption of
sin preserved.
What fruit had I then (wretched man!) in those things, of the
remembrance whereof I am now ashamed?