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- confessions
- text
- being able to see these in the mind, I thought I could not see my mind.
And whereas in virtue I loved peace, and in viciousness I abhorred
discord; in the first I observed a unity, but in the other, a sort
of division. And in that unity I conceived the rational soul, and the
nature of truth and of the chief good to consist; but in this division
I miserably imagined there to be some unknown substance of irrational
life, and the nature of the chief evil, which should not only be a
substance, but real life also, and yet not derived from Thee, O my God,
of whom are all things. And yet that first I called a Monad, as it had
been a soul without sex; but the latter a Duad;--anger, in deeds of
violence, and in flagitiousness, lust; not knowing whereof I spake. For
I had not known or learned that neither was evil a substance, nor our
soul that chief and unchangeable good.
For as deeds of violence arise, if that emotion of the soul be
corrupted, whence vehement action springs, stirring itself insolently
and unrulily; and lusts, when that affection of the soul is ungoverned,
whereby carnal pleasures are drunk in, so do errors and false opinions
defile the conversation, if the reasonable soul itself be corrupted; as
it was then in me, who knew not that it must be enlightened by another
light, that it may be partaker of truth, seeing itself is not that
nature of truth. For Thou shalt light my candle, O Lord my God, Thou
shalt enlighten my darkness: and of Thy fulness have we all received,
for Thou art the true light that lighteth every man that cometh into the
world; for in Thee there is no variableness, neither shadow of change.
But I pressed towards Thee, and was thrust from Thee, that I might taste
of death: for thou resistest the proud. But what prouder, than for me
with a strange madness to maintain myself to be that by nature which
Thou art? For whereas I was subject to change (so much being manifest
to me, my very desire to become wise, being the wish, of worse to become
better), yet chose I rather to imagine Thee subject to change, and
myself not to be that which Thou art. Therefore I was repelled by Thee,
and Thou resistedst my vain stiffneckedness, and I imagined corporeal
forms, and, myself flesh, I accused flesh; and, a wind that passeth
away, I returned not to Thee, but I passed on and on to things which
have no being, neither in Thee, nor in me, nor in the body. Neither were
they created for me by Thy truth, but by my vanity devised out of
things corporeal. And I was wont to ask Thy faithful little ones, my
fellow-citizens (from whom, unknown to myself, I stood exiled), I was
wont, prating and foolishly, to ask them, "Why then doth the soul err
which God created?" But I would not be asked, "Why then doth God
err?" And I maintained that Thy unchangeable substance did err upon
constraint, rather than confess that my changeable substance had gone
astray voluntarily, and now, in punishment, lay in error.
I was then some six or seven and twenty years old when I wrote those
volumes; revolving within me corporeal fictions, buzzing in the ears
of my heart, which I turned, O sweet truth, to thy inward melody,
meditating on the "fair and fit," and longing to stand and hearken to
Thee, and to rejoice greatly at the Bridegroom's voice, but could not;
for by the voices of mine own errors, I was hurried abroad, and through
the weight of my own pride, I was sinking into the lowest pit. For Thou
didst not make me to hear joy and gladness, nor did the bones exult
which were not yet humbled.
And what did it profit me, that scarce twenty years old, a book of
Aristotle, which they call the ten Predicaments, falling into my hands
(on whose very name I hung, as on something great and divine, so often
as my rhetoric master of Carthage, and others, accounted learned,
mouthed it with cheeks bursting with pride), I read and understood it
unaided? And on my conferring with others, who said that they scarcely
understood it with very able tutors, not only orally explaining it, but
drawing many things in sand, they could tell me no more of it than I had
learned, reading it by myself. And the book appeared to me to speak very
clearly of substances, such as "man," and of their qualities, as the
figure of a man, of what sort it is; and stature, how many feet high;
and his relationship, whose brother he is; or where placed; or when
born; or whether he stands or sits; or be shod or armed; or does, or
suffers anything; and all the innumerable things which might be ranged
under these nine Predicaments, of which I have given some specimens, or
under that chief Predicament of Substance.
What did all this further me, seeing it even hindered me? when,
imagining whatever was, was comprehended under those ten Predicaments,
I essayed in such wise to understand, O my God, Thy wonderful and
unchangeable Unity also, as if Thou also hadst been subjected to Thine
own greatness or beauty; so that (as in bodies) they should exist in
Thee, as their subject: whereas Thou Thyself art Thy greatness and
beauty; but a body is not great or fair in that it is a body, seeing
that, though it were less great or fair, it should notwithstanding be
a body. But it was falsehood which of Thee I conceived, not truth,
fictions of my misery, not the realities of Thy blessedness. For Thou
hadst commanded, and it was done in me, that the earth should bring
forth briars and thorns to me, and that in the sweat of my brows I
should eat my bread.
And what did it profit me, that all the books I could procure of the
so-called liberal arts, I, the vile slave of vile affections, read by
myself, and understood? And I delighted in them, but knew not whence
came all, that therein was true or certain. For I had my back to the
light, and my face to the things enlightened; whence my face, with which
I discerned the things enlightened, itself was not enlightened.
Whatever was written, either on rhetoric, or logic, geometry, music,
and arithmetic, by myself without much difficulty or any instructor,
I understood, Thou knowest, O Lord my God; because both quickness of
understanding, and acuteness in discerning, is Thy gift: yet did I not
thence sacrifice to Thee. So then it served not to my use, but rather
to my perdition, since I went about to get so good a portion of my
substance into my own keeping; and I kept not my strength for Thee, but
wandered from Thee into a far country, to spend it upon harlotries. For
what profited me good abilities, not employed to good uses? For I felt
not that those arts were attained with great difficulty, even by the
studious and talented, until I attempted to explain them to such; when
he most excelled in them who followed me not altogether slowly.
But what did this further me, imagining that Thou, O Lord God, the
Truth, wert a vast and bright body, and I a fragment of that body?
Perverseness too great! But such was I. Nor do I blush, O my God, to
confess to Thee Thy mercies towards me, and to call upon Thee, who
blushed not then to profess to men my blasphemies, and to bark against
Thee. What profited me then my nimble wit in those sciences and all
those most knotty volumes, unravelled by me, without aid from human
instruction; seeing I erred so foully, and with such sacrilegious
shamefulness, in the doctrine of piety? Or what hindrance was a far
slower wit to Thy little ones, since they departed not far from Thee,
that in the nest of Thy Church they might securely be fledged, and
nourish the wings of charity, by the food of a sound faith. O Lord our
God, under the shadow of Thy wings let us hope; protect us, and carry
us. Thou wilt carry us both when little, and even to hoar hairs wilt
Thou carry us; for our firmness, when it is Thou, then is it firmness;
but when our own, it is infirmity. Our good ever lives with Thee;
from which when we turn away, we are turned aside.