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- confessions
- text
- same of Esau and Jacob, whereas the same happened not to them. Therefore
he must speak falsely; or if truly, then, looking into the same figures,
he must not give the same answer. Not by art, then, but by chance, would
he speak truly. For Thou, O Lord, most righteous Ruler of the Universe,
while consulters and consulted know it not, dost by Thy hidden
inspiration effect that the consulter should hear what, according to the
hidden deservings of souls, he ought to hear, out of the unsearchable
depth of Thy just judgment, to Whom let no man say, What is this? Why
that? Let him not so say, for he is man.
Now then, O my Helper, hadst Thou loosed me from those fetters: and I
sought "whence is evil," and found no way. But Thou sufferedst me not by
any fluctuations of thought to be carried away from the Faith whereby I
believed Thee both to be, and Thy substance to be unchangeable, and that
Thou hast a care of, and wouldest judge men, and that in Christ, Thy
Son, Our Lord, and the holy Scriptures, which the authority of Thy
Catholic Church pressed upon me, Thou hadst set the way of man's
salvation, to that life which is to be after this death. These things
being safe and immovably settled in my mind, I sought anxiously "whence
was evil?" What were the pangs of my teeming heart, what groans, O my
God! yet even there were Thine ears open, and I knew it not; and when
in silence I vehemently sought, those silent contritions of my soul were
strong cries unto Thy mercy. Thou knewest what I suffered, and no man.
For, what was that which was thence through my tongue distilled into the
ears of my most familiar friends? Did the whole tumult of my soul, for
which neither time nor utterance sufficed, reach them? Yet went up the
whole to Thy hearing, all which I roared out from the groanings of my
heart; and my desire was before Thee, and the light of mine eyes was not
with me: for that was within, I without: nor was that confined to place,
but I was intent on things contained in place, but there found I no
resting-place, nor did they so receive me, that I could say, "It is
enough," "it is well": nor did they yet suffer me to turn back, where
it might be well enough with me. For to these things was I superior, but
inferior to Thee; and Thou art my true joy when subjected to Thee, and
Thou hadst subjected to me what Thou createdst below me. And this was
the true temperament, and middle region of my safety, to remain in
Thy Image, and by serving Thee, rule the body. But when I rose proudly
against Thee, and ran against the Lord with my neck, with the thick
bosses of my buckler, even these inferior things were set above me, and
pressed me down, and no where was there respite or space of breathing.
They met my sight on all sides by heaps and troops, and in thought the
images thereof presented themselves unsought, as I would return to
Thee, as if they would say unto me, "Whither goest thou, unworthy
and defiled?" And these things had grown out of my wound; for Thou
"humbledst the proud like one that is wounded," and through my own
swelling was I separated from Thee; yea, my pride-swollen face closed up
mine eyes.
But Thou, Lord, abidest for ever, yet not for ever art Thou angry with
us; because Thou pitiest our dust and ashes, and it was pleasing in Thy
sight to reform my deformities; and by inward goads didst Thou rouse me,
that I should be ill at ease, until Thou wert manifested to my inward
sight. Thus, by the secret hand of Thy medicining was my swelling
abated, and the troubled and bedimmed eyesight of my mind, by the
smarting anointings of healthful sorrows, was from day to day healed.
And Thou, willing first to show me how Thou resistest the proud, but
givest grace unto the humble, and by how great an act of Thy mercy Thou
hadst traced out to men the way of humility, in that Thy Word was made
flesh, and dwelt among men:--Thou procuredst for me, by means of one
puffed up with most unnatural pride, certain books of the Platonists,
translated from Greek into Latin. And therein I read, not indeed in the
very words, but to the very same purpose, enforced by many and divers
reasons, that In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God,
and the Word was God: the Same was in the beginning with God: all things
were made by Him, and without Him was nothing made: that which was made
by Him is life, and the life was the light of men, and the light shineth
in the darkness, and the darkness comprehended it not. And that the soul
of man, though it bears witness to the light, yet itself is not that
light; but the Word of God, being God, is that true light that lighteth
every man that cometh into the world. And that He was in the world, and
the world was made by Him, and the world knew Him not. But, that He came
unto His own, and His own received Him not; but as many as received Him,
to them gave He power to become the sons of God, as many as believed in
His name; this I read not there.
Again I read there, that God the Word was born not of flesh nor of
blood, nor of the will of man, nor of the will of the flesh, but of God.
But that the Word was made flesh, and dwelt among us, I read not there.
For I traced in those books that it was many and divers ways said, that
the Son was in the form of the Father, and thought it not robbery to be
equal with God, for that naturally He was the Same Substance. But that
He emptied Himself, taking the form of a servant, being made in the
likeness of men, and found in fashion as a man, humbled Himself, and
became obedient unto death, and that the death of the cross: wherefore
God exalted Him from the dead, and gave Him a name above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should how, of things in heaven,
and things in earth, and things under the earth; and that every tongue
should confess that the Lord Jesus Christ is in the glory of God the
Father; those books have not. For that before all times and above all
times Thy Only-Begotten Son remaineth unchangeable, co-eternal with
Thee, and that of His fulness souls receive, that they may be blessed;
and that by participation of wisdom abiding in them, they are renewed,
so as to be wise, is there. But that in due time He died for the
ungodly; and that Thou sparedst not Thine Only Son, but deliveredst Him
for us all, is not there. For Thou hiddest these things from the wise,
and revealedst them to babes; that they that labour and are heavy laden
might come unto Him, and He refresh them, because He is meek and lowly
in heart; and the meek He directeth in judgment, and the gentle He
teacheth His ways, beholding our lowliness and trouble, and forgiving
all our sins. But such as are lifted up in the lofty walk of some
would-be sublimer learning, hear not Him, saying, Learn of Me, for I am
meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest to your souls. Although
they knew God, yet they glorify Him not as God, nor are thankful,
but wax vain in their thoughts; and their foolish heart is darkened;
professing that they were wise, they became fools.
And therefore did I read there also, that they had changed the glory of
Thy incorruptible nature into idols and divers shapes, into the likeness
of the image of corruptible man, and birds, and beasts, and creeping
things; namely, into that Egyptian food for which Esau lost his
birthright, for that Thy first-born people worshipped the head of a
four-footed beast instead of Thee; turning in heart back towards Egypt;
and bowing Thy image, their own soul, before the image of a calf that
eateth hay. These things found I here, but I fed not on them. For it
pleased Thee, O Lord, to take away the reproach of diminution from
Jacob, that the elder should serve the younger: and Thou calledst the
Gentiles into Thine inheritance.