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- confessions
- text
- made a chain for me, and bound me. For of a forward will, was a lust
made; and a lust served, became custom; and custom not resisted, became
necessity. By which links, as it were, joined together (whence I called
it a chain) a hard bondage held me enthralled. But that new will which
had begun to be in me, freely to serve Thee, and to wish to enjoy Thee,
O God, the only assured pleasantness, was not yet able to overcome my
former wilfulness, strengthened by age. Thus did my two wills, one new,
and the other old, one carnal, the other spiritual, struggle within me;
and by their discord, undid my soul.
Thus, I understood, by my own experience, what I had read, how the flesh
lusteth against the spirit and the spirit against the flesh. Myself
verily either way; yet more myself, in that which I approved in myself,
than in that which in myself I disapproved. For in this last, it was now
for the more part not myself, because in much I rather endured against
my will, than acted willingly. And yet it was through me that custom had
obtained this power of warring against me, because I had come willingly,
whither I willed not. And who has any right to speak against it, if just
punishment follow the sinner? Nor had I now any longer my former plea,
that I therefore as yet hesitated to be above the world and serve Thee,
for that the truth was not altogether ascertained to me; for now it too
was. But I still under service to the earth, refused to fight under Thy
banner, and feared as much to be freed of all incumbrances, as we should
fear to be encumbered with it. Thus with the baggage of this present
world was I held down pleasantly, as in sleep: and the thoughts wherein
I meditated on Thee were like the efforts of such as would awake, who
yet overcome with a heavy drowsiness, are again drenched therein. And as
no one would sleep for ever, and in all men's sober judgment waking is
better, yet a man for the most part, feeling a heavy lethargy in all his
limbs, defers to shake off sleep, and though half displeased, yet, even
after it is time to rise, with pleasure yields to it, so was I assured
that much better were it for me to give myself up to Thy charity, than
to give myself over to mine own cupidity; but though the former course
satisfied me and gained the mastery, the latter pleased me and held me
mastered. Nor had I any thing to answer Thee calling to me, Awake,
thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee
light. And when Thou didst on all sides show me that what Thou saidst
was true, I, convicted by the truth, had nothing at all to answer, but
only those dull and drowsy words, "Anon, anon," "presently," "leave
me but a little." But "presently, presently," had no present, and my
"little while" went on for a long while; in vain I delighted in Thy
law according to the inner man, when another law in my members rebelled
against the law of my mind, and led me captive under the law of sin
which was in my members. For the law of sin is the violence of custom,
whereby the mind is drawn and holden, even against its will; but
deservedly, for that it willingly fell into it. Who then should deliver
me thus wretched from the body of this death, but Thy grace only,
through Jesus Christ our Lord?
And how Thou didst deliver me out of the bonds of desire, wherewith I
was bound most straitly to carnal concupiscence, and out of the drudgery
of worldly things, I will now declare, and confess unto Thy name, O
Lord, my helper and my redeemer. Amid increasing anxiety, I was doing
my wonted business, and daily sighing unto Thee. I attended Thy Church,
whenever free from the business under the burden of which I groaned.
Alypius was with me, now after the third sitting released from his law
business, and awaiting to whom to sell his counsel, as I sold the skill
of speaking, if indeed teaching can impart it. Nebridius had now, in
consideration of our friendship, consented to teach under Verecundus, a
citizen and a grammarian of Milan, and a very intimate friend of us all;
who urgently desired, and by the right of friendship challenged from our
company, such faithful aid as he greatly needed. Nebridius then was not
drawn to this by any desire of advantage (for he might have made much
more of his learning had he so willed), but as a most kind and gentle
friend, he would not be wanting to a good office, and slight our
request. But he acted herein very discreetly, shunning to become known
to personages great according to this world, avoiding the distraction
of mind thence ensuing, and desiring to have it free and at leisure, as
many hours as might be, to seek, or read, or hear something concerning
wisdom.
Upon a day then, Nebridius being absent (I recollect not why), lo, there
came to see me and Alypius, one Pontitianus, our countryman so far as
being an African, in high office in the Emperor's court. What he would
with us, I know not, but we sat down to converse, and it happened that
upon a table for some game, before us, he observed a book, took, opened
it, and contrary to his expectation, found it the Apostle Paul; for he
thought it some of those books which I was wearing myself in teaching.
Whereat smiling, and looking at me, he expressed his joy and wonder that
he had on a sudden found this book, and this only before my eyes. For he
was a Christian, and baptised, and often bowed himself before Thee our
God in the Church, in frequent and continued prayers. When then I had
told him that I bestowed very great pains upon those Scriptures, a
conversation arose (suggested by his account) on Antony the Egyptian
monk: whose name was in high reputation among Thy servants, though to
that hour unknown to us. Which when he discovered, he dwelt the more
upon that subject, informing and wondering at our ignorance of one so
eminent. But we stood amazed, hearing Thy wonderful works most fully
attested, in times so recent, and almost in our own, wrought in the true
Faith and Church Catholic. We all wondered; we, that they were so great,
and he, that they had not reached us.
Thence his discourse turned to the flocks in the monasteries, and their
holy ways, a sweet-smelling savour unto Thee, and the fruitful deserts
of the wilderness, whereof we knew nothing. And there was a monastery
at Milan, full of good brethren, without the city walls, under the
fostering care of Ambrose, and we knew it not. He went on with his
discourse, and we listened in intent silence. He told us then how one
afternoon at Triers, when the Emperor was taken up with the Circensian
games, he and three others, his companions, went out to walk in gardens
near the city walls, and there as they happened to walk in pairs, one
went apart with him, and the other two wandered by themselves; and
these, in their wanderings, lighted upon a certain cottage, inhabited
by certain of Thy servants, poor in spirit, of whom is the kingdom
of heaven, and there they found a little book containing the life of
Antony. This one of them began to read, admire, and kindle at it; and
as he read, to meditate on taking up such a life, and giving over his
secular service to serve Thee. And these two were of those whom they
style agents for the public affairs. Then suddenly, filled with a holy
love, and a sober shame, in anger with himself cast his eyes upon his
friend, saying, "Tell me, I pray thee, what would we attain by all these
labours of ours? what aim we at? what serve we for? Can our hopes in
court rise higher than to be the Emperor's favourites? and in this, what
is there not brittle, and full of perils? and by how many perils arrive
we at a greater peril? and when arrive we thither? But a friend of God,
if I wish it, I become now at once." So spake he.