- char_end
- 320913
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- 312972
- chunk_index
- 44
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- confessions
- text
- for us, who now intercedeth unto Thee for us.
I further read, Be angry, and sin not. And how was I moved, O my God,
who had now learned to be angry at myself for things past, that I might
not sin in time to come! Yea, to be justly angry; for that it was not
another nature of a people of darkness which sinned for me, as they say
who are not angry at themselves, and treasure up wrath against the day
of wrath, and of the revelation of Thy just judgment. Nor were my good
things now without, nor sought with the eyes of flesh in that earthly
sun; for they that would have joy from without soon become vain, and
waste themselves on the things seen and temporal, and in their famished
thoughts do lick their very shadows. Oh that they were wearied out with
their famine, and said, Who will show us good things? And we would say,
and they hear, The light of Thy countenance is sealed upon us. For we
are not that light which enlighteneth every man, but we are enlightened
by Thee; that having been sometimes darkness, we may be light in Thee.
Oh that they could see the eternal Internal, which having tasted, I was
grieved that I could not show It them, so long as they brought me their
heart in their eyes roving abroad from Thee, while they said, Who will
show us good things? For there, where I was angry within myself in my
chamber, where I was inwardly pricked, where I had sacrificed, slaying
my old man and commencing the purpose of a new life, putting my trust
in Thee,--there hadst Thou begun to grow sweet unto me, and hadst put
gladness in my heart. And I cried out, as I read this outwardly, finding
it inwardly. Nor would I be multiplied with worldly goods; wasting away
time, and wasted by time; whereas I had in Thy eternal Simple Essence
other corn, and wine, and oil.
And with a loud cry of my heart I cried out in the next verse, O in
peace, O for The Self-same! O what said he, I will lay me down and
sleep, for who shall hinder us, when cometh to pass that saying which is
written, Death is swallowed up in victory? And Thou surpassingly art the
Self-same, Who art not changed; and in Thee is rest which forgetteth all
toil, for there is none other with Thee, nor are we to seek those many
other things, which are not what Thou art: but Thou, Lord, alone hast
made me dwell in hope. I read, and kindled; nor found I what to do to
those deaf and dead, of whom myself had been, a pestilent person, a
bitter and a blind bawler against those writings, which are honied
with the honey of heaven, and lightsome with Thine own light: and I was
consumed with zeal at the enemies of this Scripture.
When shall I recall all which passed in those holy-days? Yet neither
have I forgotten, nor will I pass over the severity of Thy scourge, and
the wonderful swiftness of Thy mercy. Thou didst then torment me with
pain in my teeth; which when it had come to such height that I could not
speak, it came into my heart to desire all my friends present to pray
for me to Thee, the God of all manner of health. And this I wrote on
wax, and gave it them to read. Presently so soon as with humble devotion
we had bowed our knees, that pain went away. But what pain? or how went
it away? I was affrighted, O my Lord, my God; for from infancy I had
never experienced the like. And the power of Thy Nod was deeply conveyed
to me, and rejoicing in faith, I praised Thy Name. And that faith
suffered me not to be at ease about my past sins, which were not yet
forgiven me by Thy baptism.
The vintage-vacation ended, I gave notice to the Milanese to provide
their scholars with another master to sell words to them; for that I had
both made choice to serve Thee, and through my difficulty of breathing
and pain in my chest was not equal to the Professorship. And by letters
I signified to Thy Prelate, the holy man Ambrose, my former errors and
present desires, begging his advice what of Thy Scriptures I had best
read, to become readier and fitter for receiving so great grace. He
recommended Isaiah the Prophet: I believe, because he above the rest
is a more clear foreshower of the Gospel and of the calling of the
Gentiles. But I, not understanding the first lesson in him, and
imagining the whole to be like it, laid it by, to be resumed when better
practised in our Lord's own words.
Thence, when the time was come wherein I was to give in my name, we left
the country and returned to Milan. It pleased Alypius also to be with
me born again in Thee, being already clothed with the humility befitting
Thy Sacraments; and a most valiant tamer of the body, so as, with
unwonted venture, to wear the frozen ground of Italy with his bare feet.
We joined with us the boy Adeodatus, born after the flesh, of my sin.
Excellently hadst Thou made him. He was not quite fifteen, and in wit
surpassed many grave and learned men. I confess unto Thee Thy gifts,
O Lord my God, Creator of all, and abundantly able to reform our
deformities: for I had no part in that boy, but the sin. For that we
brought him up in Thy discipline, it was Thou, none else, had inspired
us with it. I confess unto Thee Thy gifts. There is a book of ours
entitled The Master; it is a dialogue between him and me. Thou knowest
that all there ascribed to the person conversing with me were his ideas,
in his sixteenth year. Much besides, and yet more admirable, I found
in him. That talent struck awe into me. And who but Thou could be the
workmaster of such wonders? Soon didst Thou take his life from the
earth: and I now remember him without anxiety, fearing nothing for
his childhood or youth, or his whole self. Him we joined with us, our
contemporary in grace, to be brought up in Thy discipline: and we were
baptised, and anxiety for our past life vanished from us. Nor was I
sated in those days with the wondrous sweetness of considering the depth
of Thy counsels concerning the salvation of mankind. How did I weep,
in Thy Hymns and Canticles, touched to the quick by the voices of Thy
sweet-attuned Church! The voices flowed into mine ears, and the
Truth distilled into my heart, whence the affections of my devotion
overflowed, and tears ran down, and happy was I therein.
Not long had the Church of Milan begun to use this kind of consolation
and exhortation, the brethren zealously joining with harmony of voice
and hearts. For it was a year, or not much more, that Justina, mother
to the Emperor Valentinian, a child, persecuted Thy servant Ambrose, in
favour of her heresy, to which she was seduced by the Arians. The devout
people kept watch in the Church, ready to die with their Bishop Thy
servant. There my mother Thy handmaid, bearing a chief part of those
anxieties and watchings, lived for prayer. We, yet unwarmed by the heat
of Thy Spirit, still were stirred up by the sight of the amazed and
disquieted city. Then it was first instituted that after the manner of
the Eastern Churches, Hymns and Psalms should be sung, lest the people
should wax faint through the tediousness of sorrow: and from that day to
this the custom is retained, divers (yea, almost all) Thy congregations,
throughout other parts of the world following herein.
Then didst Thou by a vision discover to Thy forenamed Bishop where the
bodies of Gervasius and Protasius the martyrs lay hid (whom Thou hadst
in Thy secret treasury stored uncorrupted so many years), whence Thou
mightest seasonably produce them to repress the fury of a woman, but an
Empress. For when they were discovered and dug up, and with due honour
translated to the Ambrosian Basilica, not only they who were vexed with
unclean spirits (the devils confessing themselves) were cured, but a
certain man who had for many years been blind, a citizen, and well known
to the city, asking and hearing the reason of the people's confused joy,
sprang forth desiring his guide to lead him thither.