- char_end
- 306503
- char_start
- 298775
- chunk_index
- 42
- chunk_total
- 89
- estimated_tokens
- 1932
- source_file_key
- confessions
- text
- And by this admonition was he strengthened; and by a good resolution and
purpose, and most corresponding to his character, wherein he did always
very far differ from me, for the better, without any turbulent delay he
joined me. Thence we go in to my mother; we tell her; she rejoiceth: we
relate in order how it took place; she leaps for joy, and triumpheth,
and blesseth Thee, Who are able to do above that which we ask or think;
for she perceived that Thou hadst given her more for me, than she
was wont to beg by her pitiful and most sorrowful groanings. For thou
convertedst me unto Thyself, so that I sought neither wife, nor any hope
of this world, standing in that rule of faith, where Thou hadst showed
me unto her in a vision, so many years before. And Thou didst convert
her mourning into joy, much more plentiful than she had desired, and
in a much more precious and purer way than she erst required, by having
grandchildren of my body.
BOOK IX
O Lord, I am Thy servant; I am Thy servant, and the son of Thy handmaid:
Thou hast broken my bonds in sunder. I will offer to Thee the sacrifice
of praise. Let my heart and my tongue praise Thee; yea, let all my bones
say, O Lord, who is like unto Thee? Let them say, and answer Thou me,
and say unto my soul, I am thy salvation. Who am I, and what am I? What
evil have not been either my deeds, or if not my deeds, my words, or if
not my words, my will? But Thou, O Lord, are good and merciful, and Thy
right hand had respect unto the depth of my death, and from the bottom
of my heart emptied that abyss of corruption. And this Thy whole gift
was, to nill what I willed, and to will what Thou willedst. But where
through all those years, and out of what low and deep recess was my
free-will called forth in a moment, whereby to submit my neck to Thy
easy yoke, and my shoulders unto Thy light burden, O Christ Jesus, my
Helper and my Redeemer? How sweet did it at once become to me, to want
the sweetnesses of those toys! and what I feared to be parted from, was
now a joy to part with. For Thou didst cast them forth from me, Thou
true and highest sweetness. Thou castest them forth, and for them
enteredst in Thyself, sweeter than all pleasure, though not to flesh and
blood; brighter than all light, but more hidden than all depths, higher
than all honour, but not to the high in their own conceits. Now was my
soul free from the biting cares of canvassing and getting, and weltering
in filth, and scratching off the itch of lust. And my infant tongue
spake freely to Thee, my brightness, and my riches, and my health, the
Lord my God.
And I resolved in Thy sight, not tumultuously to tear, but gently to
withdraw, the service of my tongue from the marts of lip-labour: that
the young, no students in Thy law, nor in Thy peace, but in lying
dotages and law-skirmishes, should no longer buy at my mouth arms for
their madness. And very seasonably, it now wanted but very few days unto
the Vacation of the Vintage, and I resolved to endure them, then in a
regular way to take my leave, and having been purchased by Thee, no
more to return for sale. Our purpose then was known to Thee; but to men,
other than our own friends, was it not known. For we had agreed among
ourselves not to let it out abroad to any: although to us, now ascending
from the valley of tears, and singing that song of degrees, Thou hadst
given sharp arrows, and destroying coals against the subtle tongue,
which as though advising for us, would thwart, and would out of love
devour us, as it doth its meat.
Thou hadst pierced our hearts with Thy charity, and we carried Thy words
as it were fixed in our entrails: and the examples of Thy servants,
whom for black Thou hadst made bright, and for dead, alive, being piled
together in the receptacle of our thoughts, kindled and burned up that
our heavy torpor, that we should not sink down to the abyss; and they
fired us so vehemently, that all the blasts of subtle tongues from
gainsayers might only inflame us the more fiercely, not extinguish
us. Nevertheless, because for Thy Name's sake which Thou hast hallowed
throughout the earth, this our vow and purpose might also find some to
commend it, it seemed like ostentation not to wait for the vacation now
so near, but to quit beforehand a public profession, which was before
the eyes of all; so that all looking on this act of mine, and observing
how near was the time of vintage which I wished to anticipate, would
talk much of me, as if I had desired to appear some great one. And what
end had it served me, that people should repute and dispute upon my
purpose, and that our good should be evil spoken of.
Moreover, it had at first troubled me that in this very summer my lungs
began to give way, amid too great literary labour, and to breathe deeply
with difficulty, and by the pain in my chest to show that they were
injured, and to refuse any full or lengthened speaking; this had
troubled me, for it almost constrained me of necessity to lay down that
burden of teaching, or, if I could be cured and recover, at least to
intermit it. But when the full wish for leisure, that I might see
how that Thou art the Lord, arose, and was fixed, in me; my God, Thou
knowest, I began even to rejoice that I had this secondary, and that
no feigned, excuse, which might something moderate the offence taken by
those who, for their sons' sake, wished me never to have the freedom of
Thy sons. Full then of such joy, I endured till that interval of time
were run; it may have been some twenty days, yet they were endured
manfully; endured, for the covetousness which aforetime bore a part of
this heavy business, had left me, and I remained alone, and had been
overwhelmed, had not patience taken its place. Perchance, some of Thy
servants, my brethren, may say that I sinned in this, that with a heart
fully set on Thy service, I suffered myself to sit even one hour in the
chair of lies. Nor would I be contentious. But hast not Thou, O most
merciful Lord, pardoned and remitted this sin also, with my other most
horrible and deadly sins, in the holy water?
Verecundus was worn down with care about this our blessedness, for that
being held back by bonds, whereby he was most straitly bound, he saw
that he should be severed from us. For himself was not yet a Christian,
his wife one of the faithful; and yet hereby, more rigidly than by any
other chain, was he let and hindered from the journey which we had now
essayed. For he would not, he said, be a Christian on any other terms
than on those he could not. However, he offered us courteously to remain
at his country-house so long as we should stay there. Thou, O Lord,
shalt reward him in the resurrection of the just, seeing Thou hast
already given him the lot of the righteous. For although, in our
absence, being now at Rome, he was seized with bodily sickness, and
therein being made a Christian, and one of the faithful, he departed
this life; yet hadst Thou mercy not on him only, but on us also: lest
remembering the exceeding kindness of our friend towards us, yet unable
to number him among Thy flock, we should be agonised with intolerable
sorrow. Thanks unto Thee, our God, we are Thine: Thy suggestions
and consolations tell us, Faithful in promises, Thou now requitest
Verecundus for his country-house of Cassiacum, where from the fever
of the world we reposed in Thee, with the eternal freshness of Thy
Paradise: for that Thou hast forgiven him his sins upon earth, in that
rich mountain, that mountain which yieldeth milk, Thine own mountain.
He then had at that time sorrow, but Nebridius joy.