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- confessions
- text
- natural condition must needs come to pass, with a new grief I grieved
for my grief, and was thus worn by a double sorrow.
And behold, the corpse was carried to the burial; we went and returned
without tears. For neither in those prayers which we poured forth unto
Thee, when the Sacrifice of our ransom was offered for her, when now the
corpse was by the grave's side, as the manner there is, previous to its
being laid therein, did I weep even during those prayers; yet was I the
whole day in secret heavily sad, and with troubled mind prayed Thee, as
I could, to heal my sorrow, yet Thou didst not; impressing, I believe,
upon my memory by this one instance, how strong is the bond of all
habit, even upon a soul, which now feeds upon no deceiving Word. It
seemed also good to me to go and bathe, having heard that the bath had
its name (balneum) from the Greek Balaneion for that it drives sadness
from the mind. And this also I confess unto Thy mercy, Father of the
fatherless, that I bathed, and was the same as before I bathed. For the
bitterness of sorrow could not exude out of my heart. Then I slept, and
woke up again, and found my grief not a little softened; and as I was
alone in my bed, I remembered those true verses of Thy Ambrose. For Thou
art the
"Maker of all, the Lord,
And Ruler of the height,
Who, robing day in light, hast poured
Soft slumbers o'er the night,
That to our limbs the power
Of toil may be renew'd,
And hearts be rais'd that sink and cower,
And sorrows be subdu'd."
And then by little and little I recovered my former thoughts of Thy
handmaid, her holy conversation towards Thee, her holy tenderness and
observance towards us, whereof I was suddenly deprived: and I was minded
to weep in Thy sight, for her and for myself, in her behalf and in my
own. And I gave way to the tears which I before restrained, to overflow
as much as they desired; reposing my heart upon them; and it found rest
in them, for it was in Thy ears, not in those of man, who would have
scornfully interpreted my weeping. And now, Lord, in writing I confess
it unto Thee. Read it, who will, and interpret it, how he will: and if
he finds sin therein, that I wept my mother for a small portion of an
hour (the mother who for the time was dead to mine eyes, who had for
many years wept for me that I might live in Thine eyes), let him not
deride me; but rather, if he be one of large charity, let him weep
himself for my sins unto Thee, the Father of all the brethren of Thy
Christ.
But now, with a heart cured of that wound, wherein it might seem
blameworthy for an earthly feeling, I pour out unto Thee, our God, in
behalf of that Thy handmaid, a far different kind of tears, flowing from
a spirit shaken by the thoughts of the dangers of every soul that dieth
in Adam. And although she having been quickened in Christ, even before
her release from the flesh, had lived to the praise of Thy name for
her faith and conversation; yet dare I not say that from what time Thou
regeneratedst her by baptism, no word issued from her mouth against Thy
Commandment. Thy Son, the Truth, hath said, Whosoever shall say unto
his brother, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. And woe be even
unto the commendable life of men, if, laying aside mercy, Thou shouldest
examine it. But because Thou art not extreme in enquiring after sins, we
confidently hope to find some place with Thee. But whosoever reckons up
his real merits to Thee, what reckons he up to Thee but Thine own gifts?
O that men would know themselves to be men; and that he that glorieth
would glory in the Lord.
I therefore, O my Praise and my Life, God of my heart, laying aside for
a while her good deeds, for which I give thanks to Thee with joy, do now
beseech Thee for the sins of my mother. Hearken unto me, I entreat Thee,
by the Medicine of our wounds, Who hung upon the tree, and now sitting
at Thy right hand maketh intercession to Thee for us. I know that she
dealt mercifully, and from her heart forgave her debtors their debts; do
Thou also forgive her debts, whatever she may have contracted in so
many years, since the water of salvation. Forgive her, Lord, forgive, I
beseech Thee; enter not into judgment with her. Let Thy mercy be exalted
above Thy justice, since Thy words are true, and Thou hast promised
mercy unto the merciful; which Thou gavest them to be, who wilt have
mercy on whom Thou wilt have mercy; and wilt have compassion on whom
Thou hast had compassion.
And, I believe, Thou hast already done what I ask; but accept, O Lord,
the free-will offerings of my mouth. For she, the day of her dissolution
now at hand, took no thought to have her body sumptuously wound up, or
embalmed with spices; nor desired she a choice monument, or to be buried
in her own land. These things she enjoined us not; but desired only to
have her name commemorated at Thy Altar, which she had served without
intermission of one day: whence she knew the holy Sacrifice to be
dispensed, by which the hand-writing that was against us is blotted out;
through which the enemy was triumphed over, who summing up our offences,
and seeking what to lay to our charge, found nothing in Him, in Whom we
conquer. Who shall restore to Him the innocent blood? Who repay Him
the price wherewith He bought us, and so take us from Him? Unto the
Sacrament of which our ransom, Thy handmaid bound her soul by the bond
of faith. Let none sever her from Thy protection: let neither the lion
nor the dragon interpose himself by force or fraud. For she will not
answer that she owes nothing, lest she be convicted and seized by the
crafty accuser: but she will answer that her sins are forgiven her by
Him, to Whom none can repay that price which He, Who owed nothing, paid
for us.
May she rest then in peace with the husband before and after whom she
had never any; whom she obeyed, with patience bringing forth fruit unto
Thee, that she might win him also unto Thee. And inspire, O Lord my God,
inspire Thy servants my brethren, Thy sons my masters, whom with
voice, and heart, and pen I serve, that so many as shall read these
Confessions, may at Thy Altar remember Monnica Thy handmaid, with
Patricius, her sometimes husband, by whose bodies Thou broughtest me
into this life, how I know not. May they with devout affection remember
my parents in this transitory light, my brethren under Thee our Father
in our Catholic Mother, and my fellow-citizens in that eternal Jerusalem
which Thy pilgrim people sigheth after from their Exodus, even unto
their return thither. That so my mother's last request of me, may
through my confessions, more than through my prayers, be, through the
prayers of many, more abundantly fulfilled to her.
BOOK X
Let me know Thee, O Lord, who knowest me: let me know Thee, as I am
known. Power of my soul, enter into it, and fit it for Thee, that
Thou mayest have and hold it without spot or wrinkle. This is my hope,
therefore do I speak; and in this hope do I rejoice, when I rejoice
healthfully. Other things of this life are the less to be sorrowed for,
the more they are sorrowed for; and the more to be sorrowed for, the
less men sorrow for them. For behold, Thou lovest the truth, and he that
doth it, cometh to the light. This would I do in my heart before Thee in
confession: and in my writing, before many witnesses.
And from Thee, O Lord, unto whose eyes the abyss of man's conscience is
naked, what could be hidden in me though I would not confess it? For
I should hide Thee from me, not me from Thee. But now, for that my
groaning is witness, that I am displeased with myself, Thou shinest out,
and art pleasing, and beloved, and longed for; that I may be ashamed of
myself, and renounce myself, and choose Thee, and neither please Thee
nor myself, but in Thee.