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- confessions
- text
- give it, this also was a part of wisdom to know whose gift she is. By
continency verily are we bound up and brought back into One, whence we
were dissipated into many. For too little doth he love Thee, who loves
any thing with Thee, which he loveth not for Thee. O love, who ever
burnest and never consumest! O charity, my God, kindle me. Thou
enjoinest continency: give me what Thou enjoinest, and enjoin what Thou
wilt.
Verily Thou enjoinest me continency from the lust of the flesh, the lust
of the eyes, and the ambition of the world. Thou enjoinest continency
from concubinage; and for wedlock itself, Thou hast counselled something
better than what Thou hast permitted. And since Thou gavest it, it was
done, even before I became a dispenser of Thy Sacrament. But there yet
live in my memory (whereof I have much spoken) the images of such things
as my ill custom there fixed; which haunt me, strengthless when I am
awake: but in sleep, not only so as to give pleasure, but even to obtain
assent, and what is very like reality. Yea, so far prevails the illusion
of the image, in my soul and in my flesh, that, when asleep, false
visions persuade to that which when waking, the true cannot. Am I not
then myself, O Lord my God? And yet there is so much difference betwixt
myself and myself, within that moment wherein I pass from waking to
sleeping, or return from sleeping to waking! Where is reason then,
which, awake, resisteth such suggestions? And should the things
themselves be urged on it, it remaineth unshaken. Is it clasped up with
the eyes? is it lulled asleep with the senses of the body? And whence is
it that often even in sleep we resist, and mindful of our purpose, and
abiding most chastely in it, yield no assent to such enticements? And
yet so much difference there is, that when it happeneth otherwise, upon
waking we return to peace of conscience: and by this very difference
discover that we did not, what yet we be sorry that in some way it was
done in us.
Art Thou not mighty, God Almighty, so as to heal all the diseases of my
soul, and by Thy more abundant grace to quench even the impure motions
of my sleep! Thou wilt increase, Lord, Thy gifts more and more in me,
that my soul may follow me to Thee, disentangled from the birdlime of
concupiscence; that it rebel not against itself, and even in dreams not
only not, through images of sense, commit those debasing corruptions,
even to pollution of the flesh, but not even to consent unto them. For
that nothing of this sort should have, over the pure affections even of
a sleeper, the very least influence, not even such as a thought would
restrain,--to work this, not only during life, but even at my present
age, is not hard for the Almighty, Who art able to do above all that
we ask or think. But what I yet am in this kind of my evil, have I
confessed unto my good Lord; rejoicing with trembling, in that which
Thou hast given me, and bemoaning that wherein I am still imperfect;
hoping that Thou wilt perfect Thy mercies in me, even to perfect peace,
which my outward and inward man shall have with Thee, when death shall
be swallowed up in victory.
There is another evil of the day, which I would were sufficient for it.
For by eating and drinking we repair the daily decays of our body, until
Thou destroy both belly and meat, when Thou shalt slay my emptiness
with a wonderful fulness, and clothe this incorruptible with an eternal
incorruption. But now the necessity is sweet unto me, against which
sweetness I fight, that I be not taken captive; and carry on a daily war
by fastings; often bringing my body into subjection; and my pains are
removed by pleasure. For hunger and thirst are in a manner pains; they
burn and kill like a fever, unless the medicine of nourishments come
to our aid. Which since it is at hand through the consolations of Thy
gifts, with which land, and water, and air serve our weakness, our
calamity is termed gratification.
This hast Thou taught me, that I should set myself to take food as
physic. But while I am passing from the discomfort of emptiness to the
content of replenishing, in the very passage the snare of concupiscence
besets me. For that passing, is pleasure, nor is there any other way to
pass thither, whither we needs must pass. And health being the cause of
eating and drinking, there joineth itself as an attendant a dangerous
pleasure, which mostly endeavours to go before it, so that I may for her
sake do what I say I do, or wish to do, for health's sake. Nor have
each the same measure; for what is enough for health, is too little for
pleasure. And oft it is uncertain, whether it be the necessary care of
the body which is yet asking for sustenance, or whether a voluptuous
deceivableness of greediness is proffering its services. In this
uncertainty the unhappy soul rejoiceth, and therein prepares an excuse
to shield itself, glad that it appeareth not what sufficeth for the
moderation of health, that under the cloak of health, it may disguise
the matter of gratification. These temptations I daily endeavour
to resist, and I call on Thy right hand, and to Thee do I refer my
perplexities; because I have as yet no settled counsel herein.
I hear the voice of my God commanding, Let not your hearts be
overcharged with surfeiting and drunkenness. Drunkenness is far from
me; Thou wilt have mercy, that it come not near me. But full feeding
sometimes creepeth upon Thy servant; Thou wilt have mercy, that it may
be far from me. For no one can be continent unless Thou give it. Many
things Thou givest us, praying for them; and what good soever we have
received before we prayed, from Thee we received it; yea to the end we
might afterwards know this, did we before receive it. Drunkard was I
never, but drunkards have I known made sober by Thee. From Thee then it
was, that they who never were such, should not so be, as from Thee it
was, that they who have been, should not ever so be; and from Thee it
was, that both might know from Whom it was. I heard another voice of
Thine, Go not after thy lusts, and from thy pleasure turn away. Yea by
Thy favour have I heard that which I have much loved; neither if we eat,
shall we abound; neither if we eat not, shall we lack; which is to say,
neither shall the one make me plenteous, nor the other miserable.
I heard also another, for I have learned in whatsoever state I am,
therewith to be content; I know how to abound, and how to suffer need. I
can do all things through Christ that strengtheneth me. Behold a soldier
of the heavenly camp, not the dust which we are. But remember, Lord,
that we are dust, and that of dust Thou hast made man; and he was lost
and is found. Nor could he of himself do this, because he whom I so
loved, saying this through the in-breathing of Thy inspiration, was
of the same dust. I can do all things (saith he) through Him that
strengtheneth me. Strengthen me, that I can. Give what Thou enjoinest,
and enjoin what Thou wilt. He confesses to have received, and when he
glorieth, in the Lord he glorieth. Another have I heard begging that he
might receive. Take from me (saith he) the desires of the belly; whence
it appeareth, O my holy God, that Thou givest, when that is done which
Thou commandest to be done.
Thou hast taught me, good Father, that to the pure, all things are pure;
but that it is evil unto the man that eateth with offence; and, that
every creature of Thine is good, and nothing to be refused, which is
received with thanksgiving; and that meat commendeth us not to God; and,
that no man should judge us in meat or drink; and, that he which eateth,
let him not despise him that eateth not; and let not him that eateth
not, judge him that eateth. These things have I learned, thanks be
to Thee, praise to Thee, my God, my Master, knocking at my ears,
enlightening my heart; deliver me out of all temptation.