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- confessions
- text
- God. This is the happy life which all desire; this life which alone is
happy, all desire; to joy in the truth all desire. I have met with many
that would deceive; who would be deceived, no one. Where then did they
know this happy life, save where they know the truth also? For they love
it also, since they would not be deceived. And when they love a happy
life, which is no other than joying in the truth, then also do they love
the truth; which yet they would not love, were there not some notice of
it in their memory. Why then joy they not in it? why are they not happy?
because they are more strongly taken up with other things which have
more power to make them miserable, than that which they so faintly
remember to make them happy. For there is yet a little light in men; let
them walk, let them walk, that the darkness overtake them not.
But why doth "truth generate hatred," and the man of Thine, preaching
the truth, become an enemy to them? whereas a happy life is loved, which
is nothing else but joying in the truth; unless that truth is in that
kind loved, that they who love anything else would gladly have that
which they love to be the truth: and because they would not be deceived,
would not be convinced that they are so? Therefore do they hate the
truth for that thing's sake which they loved instead of the truth. They
love truth when she enlightens, they hate her when she reproves. For
since they would not be deceived, and would deceive, they love her when
she discovers herself unto them, and hate her when she discovers them.
Whence she shall so repay them, that they who would not be made manifest
by her, she both against their will makes manifest, and herself becometh
not manifest unto them. Thus, thus, yea thus doth the mind of man, thus
blind and sick, foul and ill-favoured, wish to be hidden, but that aught
should be hidden from it, it wills not. But the contrary is requited it,
that itself should not be hidden from the Truth; but the Truth is hid
from it. Yet even thus miserable, it had rather joy in truths than in
falsehoods. Happy then will it be, when, no distraction interposing, it
shall joy in that only Truth, by Whom all things are true.
See what a space I have gone over in my memory seeking Thee, O Lord; and
I have not found Thee, without it. Nor have I found any thing concerning
Thee, but what I have kept in memory, ever since I learnt Thee. For
since I learnt Thee, I have not forgotten Thee. For where I found Truth,
there found I my God, the Truth itself; which since I learnt, I have
not forgotten. Since then I learnt Thee, Thou residest in my memory; and
there do I find Thee, when I call Thee to remembrance, and delight in
Thee. These be my holy delights, which Thou hast given me in Thy mercy,
having regard to my poverty.
But where in my memory residest Thou, O Lord, where residest Thou
there? what manner of lodging hast Thou framed for Thee? what manner of
sanctuary hast Thou builded for Thee? Thou hast given this honour to my
memory, to reside in it; but in what quarter of it Thou residest, that
am I considering. For in thinking on Thee, I passed beyond such parts of
it as the beasts also have, for I found Thee not there among the images
of corporeal things: and I came to those parts to which I committed the
affections of my mind, nor found Thee there. And I entered into the
very seat of my mind (which it hath in my memory, inasmuch as the mind
remembers itself also), neither wert Thou there: for as Thou art not
a corporeal image, nor the affection of a living being (as when we
rejoice, condole, desire, fear, remember, forget, or the like); so
neither art Thou the mind itself; because Thou art the Lord God of the
mind; and all these are changed, but Thou remainest unchangeable over
all, and yet hast vouchsafed to dwell in my memory, since I learnt Thee.
And why seek I now in what place thereof Thou dwellest, as if there
were places therein? Sure I am, that in it Thou dwellest, since I have
remembered Thee ever since I learnt Thee, and there I find Thee, when I
call Thee to remembrance.
Where then did I find Thee, that I might learn Thee? For in my memory
Thou wert not, before I learned Thee. Where then did I find Thee, that
I might learn Thee, but in Thee above me? Place there is none; we go
backward and forward, and there is no place. Every where, O Truth, dost
Thou give audience to all who ask counsel of Thee, and at once answerest
all, though on manifold matters they ask Thy counsel. Clearly dost Thou
answer, though all do not clearly hear. All consult Thee on what they
will, though they hear not always what they will. He is Thy best servant
who looks not so much to hear that from Thee which himself willeth, as
rather to will that, which from Thee he heareth.
Too late loved I Thee, O Thou Beauty of ancient days, yet ever new! too
late I loved Thee! And behold, Thou wert within, and I abroad, and there
I searched for Thee; deformed I, plunging amid those fair forms which
Thou hadst made. Thou wert with me, but I was not with Thee. Things held
me far from Thee, which, unless they were in Thee, were not at all.
Thou calledst, and shoutedst, and burstest my deafness. Thou flashedst,
shonest, and scatteredst my blindness. Thou breathedst odours, and I
drew in breath and panted for Thee. I tasted, and hunger and thirst.
Thou touchedst me, and I burned for Thy peace.
When I shall with my whole self cleave to Thee, I shall no where have
sorrow or labour; and my life shall wholly live, as wholly full of Thee.
But now since whom Thou fillest, Thou liftest up, because I am not full
of Thee I am a burden to myself. Lamentable joys strive with joyous
sorrows: and on which side is the victory, I know not. Woe is me! Lord,
have pity on me. My evil sorrows strive with my good joys; and on which
side is the victory, I know not. Woe is me! Lord, have pity on me. Woe
is me! lo! I hide not my wounds; Thou art the Physician, I the sick;
Thou merciful, I miserable. Is not the life of man upon earth all trial?
Who wishes for troubles and difficulties? Thou commandest them to be
endured, not to be loved. No man loves what he endures, though he love
to endure. For though he rejoices that he endures, he had rather there
were nothing for him to endure. In adversity I long for prosperity, in
prosperity I fear adversity. What middle place is there betwixt these
two, where the life of man is not all trial? Woe to the prosperities of
the world, once and again, through fear of adversity, and corruption of
joy! Woe to the adversities of the world, once and again, and the third
time, from the longing for prosperity, and because adversity itself is
a hard thing, and lest it shatter endurance. Is not the life of man upon
earth all trial: without any interval?
And all my hope is no where but in Thy exceeding great mercy. Give what
Thou enjoinest, and enjoin what Thou wilt. Thou enjoinest us continency;
and when I knew, saith one, that no man can be continent, unless God
give it, this also was a part of wisdom to know whose gift she is. By
continency verily are we bound up and brought back into One, whence we
were dissipated into many. For too little doth he love Thee, who loves
any thing with Thee, which he loveth not for Thee. O love, who ever
burnest and never consumest! O charity, my God, kindle me. Thou
enjoinest continency: give me what Thou enjoinest, and enjoin what Thou
wilt.
Verily Thou enjoinest me continency from the lust of the flesh, the lust
of the eyes, and the ambition of the world. Thou enjoinest continency
from concubinage; and for wedlock itself, Thou hast counselled something
better than what Thou hast permitted. And since Thou gavest it, it was
done, even before I became a dispenser of Thy Sacrament.