- char_end
- 413871
- char_start
- 406018
- chunk_index
- 57
- chunk_total
- 89
- estimated_tokens
- 1964
- source_file_key
- confessions
- text
- might receive. Take from me (saith he) the desires of the belly; whence
it appeareth, O my holy God, that Thou givest, when that is done which
Thou commandest to be done.
Thou hast taught me, good Father, that to the pure, all things are pure;
but that it is evil unto the man that eateth with offence; and, that
every creature of Thine is good, and nothing to be refused, which is
received with thanksgiving; and that meat commendeth us not to God; and,
that no man should judge us in meat or drink; and, that he which eateth,
let him not despise him that eateth not; and let not him that eateth
not, judge him that eateth. These things have I learned, thanks be
to Thee, praise to Thee, my God, my Master, knocking at my ears,
enlightening my heart; deliver me out of all temptation. I fear not
uncleanness of meat, but the uncleanness of lusting. I know; that Noah
was permitted to eat all kind of flesh that was good for food; that
Elijah was fed with flesh; that endued with an admirable abstinence, was
not polluted by feeding on living creatures, locusts. I know also that
Esau was deceived by lusting for lentiles; and that David blamed himself
for desiring a draught of water; and that our King was tempted, not
concerning flesh, but bread. And therefore the people in the wilderness
also deserved to be reproved, not for desiring flesh, but because, in
the desire of food, they murmured against the Lord.
Placed then amid these temptations, I strive daily against concupiscence
in eating and drinking. For it is not of such nature that I can settle
on cutting it off once for all, and never touching it afterward, as
I could of concubinage. The bridle of the throat then is to be held
attempered between slackness and stiffness. And who is he, O Lord, who
is not some whit transported beyond the limits of necessity? whoever he
is, he is a great one; let him make Thy Name great. But I am not such,
for I am a sinful man. Yet do I too magnify Thy name; and He maketh
intercession to Thee for my sins who hath overcome the world; numbering
me among the weak members of His body; because Thine eyes have seen that
of Him which is imperfect, and in Thy book shall all be written.
With the allurements of smells, I am not much concerned. When absent, I
do not miss them; when present, I do not refuse them; yet ever ready to
be without them. So I seem to myself; perchance I am deceived. For that
also is a mournful darkness whereby my abilities within me are hidden
from me; so that my mind making enquiry into herself of her own powers,
ventures not readily to believe herself; because even what is in it
is mostly hidden, unless experience reveal it. And no one ought to be
secure in that life, the whole whereof is called a trial, that he who
hath been capable of worse to be made better, may not likewise of better
be made worse. Our only hope, only confidence, only assured promise is
Thy mercy.
The delights of the ear had more firmly entangled and subdued me; but
Thou didst loosen and free me. Now, in those melodies which Thy words
breathe soul into, when sung with a sweet and attuned voice, I do
a little repose; yet not so as to be held thereby, but that I can
disengage myself when I will. But with the words which are their
life and whereby they find admission into me, themselves seek in my
affections a place of some estimation, and I can scarcely assign them
one suitable. For at one time I seem to myself to give them more honour
than is seemly, feeling our minds to be more holily and fervently raised
unto a flame of devotion, by the holy words themselves when thus sung,
than when not; and that the several affections of our spirit, by a sweet
variety, have their own proper measures in the voice and singing, by
some hidden correspondence wherewith they are stirred up. But this
contentment of the flesh, to which the soul must not be given over to be
enervated, doth oft beguile me, the sense not so waiting upon reason as
patiently to follow her; but having been admitted merely for her sake,
it strives even to run before her, and lead her. Thus in these things I
unawares sin, but afterwards am aware of it.
At other times, shunning over-anxiously this very deception, I err in
too great strictness; and sometimes to that degree, as to wish the whole
melody of sweet music which is used to David's Psalter, banished from
my ears, and the Church's too; and that mode seems to me safer, which I
remember to have been often told me of Athanasius, Bishop of Alexandria,
who made the reader of the psalm utter it with so slight inflection
of voice, that it was nearer speaking than singing. Yet again, when
I remember the tears I shed at the Psalmody of Thy Church, in the
beginning of my recovered faith; and how at this time I am moved, not
with the singing, but with the things sung, when they are sung with a
clear voice and modulation most suitable, I acknowledge the great use
of this institution. Thus I fluctuate between peril of pleasure and
approved wholesomeness; inclined the rather (though not as pronouncing
an irrevocable opinion) to approve of the usage of singing in the
church; that so by the delight of the ears the weaker minds may rise to
the feeling of devotion. Yet when it befalls me to be more moved with
the voice than the words sung, I confess to have sinned penally, and
then had rather not hear music. See now my state; weep with me, and weep
for me, ye, whoso regulate your feelings within, as that good action
ensues. For you who do not act, these things touch not you. But Thou, O
Lord my God, hearken; behold, and see, and have mercy and heal me, Thou,
in whose presence I have become a problem to myself; and that is my
infirmity.
There remains the pleasure of these eyes of my flesh, on which to make
my confessions in the hearing of the ears of Thy temple, those brotherly
and devout ears; and so to conclude the temptations of the lust of
the flesh, which yet assail me, groaning earnestly, and desiring to be
clothed upon with my house from heaven. The eyes love fair and varied
forms, and bright and soft colours. Let not these occupy my soul; let
God rather occupy it, who made these things, very good indeed, yet is
He my good, not they. And these affect me, waking, the whole day, nor
is any rest given me from them, as there is from musical, sometimes in
silence, from all voices. For this queen of colours, the light, bathing
all which we behold, wherever I am through the day, gliding by me in
varied forms, soothes me when engaged on other things, and not observing
it. And so strongly doth it entwine itself, that if it be suddenly
withdrawn, it is with longing sought for, and if absent long, saddeneth
the mind.
O Thou Light, which Tobias saw, when, these eyes closed, he taught his
son the way of life; and himself went before with the feet of charity,
never swerving. Or which Isaac saw, when his fleshly eyes being heavy
and closed by old age, it was vouchsafed him, not knowingly, to bless
his sons, but by blessing to know them. Or which Jacob saw, when he
also, blind through great age, with illumined heart, in the persons of
his sons shed light on the different races of the future people, in
them foresignified; and laid his hands, mystically crossed, upon
his grandchildren by Joseph, not as their father by his outward eye
corrected them, but as himself inwardly discerned. This is the light, it
is one, and all are one, who see and love it. But that corporeal light
whereof I spake, it seasoneth the life of this world for her blind
lovers, with an enticing and dangerous sweetness. But they who know how
to praise Thee for it, "O all-creating Lord," take it up in Thy hymns,
and are not taken up with it in their sleep. Such would I be.