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# Chapter 24 ## Overview This entity is chapter 24 of a literary work, identified by its label and content within a larger text. The chapter spans pages 98 to 115 of the source document and is composed of 20 sequential text chunks. It is part of the [More Classics](arke:01KFXT0KM64XT6K8W52TDEE0YS) collection, which includes canonical Western literature. ## Context The chapter is narrated by Holden Caulfield, a teenage boy recently expelled from Pencey Prep. It follows his emotional and psychological struggles as he wanders New York City over a winter weekend. The events occur after his visit to Mr. Antolini, a former teacher whose ambiguous behavior left Holden deeply unsettled. This chapter captures Holden at a moment of crisis, grappling with alienation, fear of adulthood, and the desire to escape societal expectations. ## Contents The chapter details Holden’s internal turmoil as he considers running away west to live in isolation, avoiding phoniness and human connection. He plans to say goodbye to his younger sister, Phoebe, and return the Christmas money she lent him. While waiting for her at the Museum of Natural History, he observes children and reflects on innocence, authenticity, and the inevitability of change. After encountering vandalism ("Fuck you" written on walls), he abandons hope of preserving purity in the world. When Phoebe arrives with a suitcase, intending to join him, Holden is overwhelmed. Their emotional confrontation culminates at the Central Park Zoo’s carousel, where Phoebe rides while Holden watches in the rain. In this moment, he experiences profound happiness and decides not to run away. The chapter ends with Holden reflecting on his current stay at a mental health facility and expressing regret for having shared his story, noting, “Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.”

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Chapter 24

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4332 24 4333 Mr. and Mrs. Antolini had this very swanky apartment over on Sutton Place, with 4334 two steps that you go down to get in the living room, and a bar and all. I'd been there 4335 quite a few times, because after I left Elkton Hills Mr. Antoilni came up to our house for 4336 dinner quite frequently to find out how I was getting along. He wasn't married then. Then 4337 when he got married, I used to play tennis with he and Mrs. Antolini quite frequently, out 4338 at the West Side Tennis Club, in Forest Hills, Long Island. Mrs. Antolini, belonged there. 4339 She was lousy with dough. She was about sixty years older than Mr. Antolini, but they 4340 seemed to get along quite well. For one thing, they were both very intellectual, especially 4341 Mr. Antolini except that he was more witty than intellectual when you were with him, 4342 sort of like D.B. Mrs. Antolini was mostly serious. She had asthma pretty bad. They both 4343 read all D.B.'s stories--Mrs. Antolini, too--and when D.B. went to Hollywood, Mr. 4344 Antolini phoned him up and told him not to go. He went anyway, though. Mr. Antolini 4345 said that anybody that could write like D.B. had no business going out to Hollywood. 4346 That's exactly what I said, practically. 4347 I would have walked down to their house, because I didn't want to spend any of 4348 Phoebe's Christmas dough that I didn't have to, but I felt funny when I got outside. Sort of 4349 dizzy. So I took a cab. I didn't want to, but I did. I had a helluva time even finding a cab. <!-- [Page 98](arke:01KFYTACAD780JDRAET1YGVW0S) --> 4350 Old Mr. Antolini answered the door when I rang the bell--after the elevator boy 4351 finally let me up, the bastard. He had on his bathrobe and slippers, and he had a highball 4352 in one hand. He was a pretty sophisticated guy, and he was a pretty heavy drinker. 4353 "Holden, m'boy!" he said. "My God, he's grown another twenty inches. Fine to see you." 4354 "How are you, Mr. Antolini? How's Mrs. Antolini?" 4355 "We're both just dandy. Let's have that coat." He took my coat off me and hung it 4356 up. "I expected to see a day-old infant in your arms. Nowhere to turn. Snowflakes in your 4357 eyelashes." He's a very witty guy sometimes. He turned around and yelled out to the 4358 kitchen, "Lillian! How's the coffee coming?" Lillian was Mrs. Antolini's first name. 4359 "It's all ready," she yelled back. "Is that Holden? Hello, Holden!" 4360 "Hello, Mrs. Antolini!" 4361 You were always yelling when you were there. That's because the both of them 4362 were never in the same room at the same time. It was sort of funny. 4363 "Sit down, Holden," Mr. Antolini said. You could tell he was a little oiled up. The 4364 room looked like they'd just had a party. Glasses were all over the place, and dishes with 4365 peanuts in them. "Excuse the appearance of the place," he said. "We've been entertaining 4366 some Buffalo friends of Mrs. Antolini's . . . Some buffaloes, as a matter of fact." 4367 I laughed, and Mrs. Antolini yelled something in to me from the kitchen, but I 4368 couldn't hear her. "What'd she say?" I asked Mr. Antolini. 4369 "She said not to look at her when she comes in. She just arose from the sack. 4370 Have a cigarette. Are you smoking now?" 4371 "Thanks," I said. I took a cigarette from the box he offered me. "Just once in a 4372 while. I'm a moderate smoker." 4373 "I'll bet you are," he said. He gave me a light from this big lighter off the table. 4374 "So. You and Pencey are no longer one," he said. He always said things that way. 4375 Sometimes it amused me a lot and sometimes it didn't. He sort of did it a little bit too 4376 much. I don't mean he wasn't witty or anything--he was--but sometimes it gets on your 4377 nerves when somebody's always saying things like "So you and Pencey are no longer 4378 one." D.B. does it too much sometimes, too. 4379 "What was the trouble?" Mr. Antolini asked me. "How'd you do in English? I'll 4380 show you the door in short order if you flunked English, you little ace composition 4381 writer." 4382 "Oh, I passed English all right. It was mostly literature, though. I only wrote about 4383 two compositions the whole term," I said. "I flunked Oral Expression, though. They had 4384 this course you had to take, Oral Expression. That I flunked." 4385 "Why?" 4386 "Oh, I don't know." I didn't feel much like going into It. I was still feeling sort of 4387 dizzy or something, and I had a helluva headache all of a sudden. I really did. But you 4388 could tell he was interested, so I told him a little bit about it. "It's this course where each 4389 boy in class has to get up in class and make a speech. You know. Spontaneous and all. 4390 And if the boy digresses at all, you're supposed to yell 'Digression!' at him as fast as you 4391 can. It just about drove me crazy. I got an F in it." 4392 "Why?" 4393 "Oh, I don't know. That digression business got on my nerves. I don't know. The 4394 trouble with me is, I like it when somebody digresses. It's more interesting and all." <!-- [Page 99](arke:01KFYTAC9CG9XQG6QBG55YNJ0F) --> 4395 "You don't care to have somebody stick to the point when he tells you 4396 something?" 4397 "Oh, sure! I like somebody to stick to the point and all. But I don't like them to 4398 stick too much to the point. I don't know. I guess I don't like it when somebody sticks to 4399 the point all the time. The boys that got the best marks in Oral Expression were the ones 4400 that stuck to the point all the time--I admit it. But there was this one boy, Richard 4401 Kinsella. He didn't stick to the point too much, and they were always yelling 'Digression!' 4402 at him. It was terrible, because in the first place, he was a very nervous guy--I mean he 4403 was a very nervous guy--and his lips were always shaking whenever it was his time to 4404 make a speech, and you could hardly hear him if you were sitting way in the back of the 4405 room. When his lips sort of quit shaking a little bit, though, I liked his speeches better 4406 than anybody else's. He practically flunked the course, though, too. He got a D plus 4407 because they kept yelling 'Digression!' at him all the time. For instance, he made this 4408 speech about this farm his father bought in Vermont. They kept yelling 'Digression!' at 4409 him the whole time he was making it, and this teacher, Mr. Vinson, gave him an F on it 4410 because he hadn't told what kind of animals and vegetables and stuff grew on the farm 4411 and all. What he did was, Richard Kinsella, he'd start telling you all about that stuff--then 4412 all of a sudden he'd start telling you about this letter his mother got from his uncle, and 4413 how his uncle got polio and all when he was forty-two years old, and how he wouldn't let 4414 anybody come to see him in the hospital because he didn't want anybody to see him with 4415 a brace on. It didn't have much to do with the farm--I admit it--but it was nice. It's nice 4416 when somebody tells you about their uncle. Especially when they start out telling you 4417 about their father's farm and then all of a sudden get more interested in their uncle. I 4418 mean it's dirty to keep yelling 'Digression!' at him when he's all nice and excited. I don't 4419 know. It's hard to explain." I didn't feel too much like trying, either. For one thing, I had 4420 this terrific headache all of a sudden. I wished to God old Mrs. Antolini would come in 4421 with the coffee. That's something that annoys hell out of me--I mean if somebody says 4422 the coffee's all ready and it isn't. 4423 "Holden. . . One short, faintly stuffy, pedagogical question. Don't you think there's 4424 a time and place for everything? Don't you think if someone starts out to tell you about 4425 his father's farm, he should stick to his guns, then get around to telling you about his 4426 uncle's brace? Or, if his uncle's brace is such a provocative subject, shouldn't he have 4427 selected it in the first place as his subject--not the farm?" 4428 I didn't feel much like thinking and answering and all. I had a headache and I felt 4429 lousy. I even had sort of a stomach-ache, if you want to know the truth. 4430 "Yes--I don't know. I guess he should. I mean I guess he should've picked his 4431 uncle as a subject, instead of the farm, if that interested him most. But what I mean is, 4432 lots of time you don't know what interests you most till you start talking about something 4433 that doesn't interest you most. I mean you can't help it sometimes. What I think is, you're 4434 supposed to leave somebody alone if he's at least being interesting and he's getting all 4435 excited about something. I like it when somebody gets excited about something. It's nice. 4436 You just didn't know this teacher, Mr. Vinson. He could drive you crazy sometimes, him 4437 and the goddam class. I mean he'd keep telling you to unify and simplify all the time. 4438 Some things you just can't do that to. I mean you can't hardly ever simplify and unify 4439 something just because somebody wants you to. You didn't know this guy, Mr. Vinson. I 4440 mean he was very intelligent and all, but you could tell he didn't have too much brains." <!-- [Page 100](arke:01KFYTAC6PS7BDGCEAAHKJ6XDJ) --> 4441 "Coffee, gentlemen, finally," Mrs. Antolini said. She came in carrying this tray 4442 with coffee and cakes and stuff on it. "Holden, don't you even peek at me. I'm a mess." 4443 "Hello, Mrs. Antolini," I said. I started to get up and all, but Mr. Antolini got hold 4444 of my jacket and pulled me back down. Old Mrs. Antolini's hair was full of those iron 4445 curler jobs, and she didn't have any lipstick or anything on. She didn't look too gorgeous. 4446 She looked pretty old and all. 4447 "I'll leave this right here. Just dive in, you two," she said. She put the tray down 4448 on the cigarette table, pushing all these glasses out of the way. "How's your mother, 4449 Holden?" 4450 "She's fine, thanks. I haven't seen her too recently, but the last I--" 4451 "Darling, if Holden needs anything, everything's in the linen closet. The top shelf. 4452 I'm going to bed. I'm exhausted," Mrs. Antolini said. She looked it, too. "Can you boys 4453 make up the couch by yourselves?" 4454 "We'll take care of everything. You run along to bed," Mr. Antolini said. He gave 4455 Mrs. Antolini a kiss and she said good-by to me and went in the bedroom. They were 4456 always kissing each other a lot in public. 4457 I had part of a cup of coffee and about half of some cake that was as hard as a 4458 rock. All old Mr. Antolini had was another highball, though. He makes them strong, too, 4459 you could tell. He may get to be an alcoholic if he doesn't watch his step. 4460 "I had lunch with your dad a couple of weeks ago," he said all of a sudden. "Did 4461 you know that?" 4462 "No, I didn't." 4463 "You're aware, of course, that he's terribly concerned about you." 4464 "I know it. I know he is," I said. 4465 "Apparently before he phoned me he'd just had a long, rather harrowing letter 4466 from your latest headmaster, to the effect that you were making absolutely no effort at all. 4467 Cutting classes. Coming unprepared to all your classes. In general, being an all-around--" 4468 "I didn't cut any classes. You weren't allowed to cut any. There were a couple of 4469 them I didn't attend once in a while, like that Oral Expression I told you about, but I 4470 didn't cut any." 4471 I didn't feel at all like discussing it. The coffee made my stomach feel a little 4472 better, but I still had this awful headache. 4473 Mr. Antolini lit another cigarette. He smoked like a fiend. Then he said, "Frankly, 4474 I don't know what the hell to say to you, Holden." 4475 "I know. I'm very hard to talk to. I realize that." 4476 "I have a feeling that you're riding for some kind of a terrible, terrible fall. But I 4477 don't honestly know what kind. . . Are you listening to me?" 4478 "Yes." 4479 You could tell he was trying to concentrate and all. 4480 "It may be the kind where, at the age of thirty, you sit in some bar hating 4481 everybody who comes in looking as if he might have played football in college. Then 4482 again, you may pick up just enough education to hate people who say, 'It's a secret 4483 between he and I.' Or you may end up in some business office, throwing paper clips at the 4484 nearest stenographer. I just don't know. But do you know what I'm driving at, at all?" 4485 "Yes. Sure," I said. I did, too. "But you're wrong about that hating business. I 4486 mean about hating football players and all. You really are. I don't hate too many guys. <!-- [Page 101](arke:01KFYTAMRQ5YM82D18B9NKJAWX) --> 4487 What I may do, I may hate them for a little while, like this guy Stradlater I knew at 4488 Pencey, and this other boy, Robert Ackley. I hated them once in a while--I admit it--but it 4489 doesn't last too long, is what I mean. After a while, if I didn't see them, if they didn't 4490 come in the room, or if I didn't see them in the dining room for a couple of meals, I sort 4491 of missed them. I mean I sort of missed them." 4492 Mr. Antolini didn't say anything for a while. He got up and got another hunk of 4493 ice and put it in his drink, then he sat down again. You could tell he was thinking. I kept 4494 wishing, though, that he'd continue the conversation in the morning, instead of now, but 4495 he was hot. People are mostly hot to have a discussion when you're not. 4496 "All right. Listen to me a minute now . . . I may not word this as memorably as I'd 4497 like to, but I'll write you a letter about it in a day or two. Then you can get it all straight. 4498 But listen now, anyway." He started concentrating again. Then he said, "This fall I think 4499 you're riding for--it's a special kind of fall, a horrible kind. The man falling isn't permitted 4500 to feel or hear himself hit bottom. He just keeps falling and falling. The whole 4501 arrangement's designed for men who, at some time or other in their lives, were looking 4502 for something their own environment couldn't supply them with. Or they thought their 4503 own environment couldn't supply them with. So they gave up looking. They gave it up 4504 before they ever really even got started. You follow me?" 4505 "Yes, sir." 4506 "Sure?" 4507 "Yes." 4508 He got up and poured some more booze in his glass. Then he sat down again. He 4509 didn't say anything for a long time. 4510 "I don't want to scare you," he said, "but I can very clearly see you dying nobly, 4511 one way or another, for some highly unworthy cause." He gave me a funny look. "If I 4512 write something down for you, will you read it carefully? And keep it?" 4513 "Yes. Sure," I said. I did, too. I still have the paper he gave me. 4514 He went over to this desk on the other side of the room, and without sitting down 4515 wrote something on a piece of paper. Then he came back and sat down with the paper in 4516 his hand. "Oddly enough, this wasn't written by a practicing poet. It was written by a 4517 psychoanalyst named Wilhelm Stekel. Here's what he--Are you still with me?" 4518 "Yes, sure I am." 4519 "Here's what he said: 'The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly 4520 for a cause, while the mark of the mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one.'" 4521 He leaned over and handed it to me. I read it right when he gave it to me, and then 4522 I thanked him and all and put it in my pocket. It was nice of him to go to all that trouble. 4523 It really was. The thing was, though, I didn't feel much like concentrating. Boy, I felt so 4524 damn tired all of a sudden. 4525 You could tell he wasn't tired at all, though. He was pretty oiled up, for one thing. 4526 "I think that one of these days," he said, "you're going to have to find out where you want 4527 to go. And then you've got to start going there. But immediately. You can't afford to lose 4528 a minute. Not you." 4529 I nodded, because he was looking right at me and all, but I wasn't too sure what he 4530 was talking about. I was pretty sure I knew, but I wasn't too positive at the time. I was too 4531 damn tired. <!-- [Page 102](arke:01KFYTAMRR2FC1WXZ2NPBT9Y0V) --> 4532 "And I hate to tell you," he said, "but I think that once you have a fair idea where 4533 you want to go, your first move will be to apply yourself in school. You'll have to. You're 4534 a student--whether the idea appeals to you or not. You're in love with knowledge. And I 4535 think you'll find, once you get past all the Mr. Vineses and their Oral Comp--" 4536 "Mr. Vinsons," I said. He meant all the Mr. Vinsons, not all the Mr. Vineses. I 4537 shouldn't have interrupted him, though. 4538 "All right--the Mr. Vinsons. Once you get past all the Mr. Vinsons, you're going 4539 to start getting closer and closer--that is, if you want to, and if you look for it and wait for 4540 it--to the kind of information that will be very, very dear to your heart. Among other 4541 things, you'll find that you're not the first person who was ever confused and frightened 4542 and even sickened by human behavior. You're by no means alone on that score, you'll be 4543 excited and stimulated to know. Many, many men have been just as troubled morally and 4544 spiritually as you are right now. Happily, some of them kept records of their troubles. 4545 You'll learn from them--if you want to. Just as someday, if you have something to offer, 4546 someone will learn something from you. It's a beautiful reciprocal arrangement. And it 4547 isn't education. It's history. It's poetry." He stopped and took a big drink out of his 4548 highball. Then he started again. Boy, he was really hot. I was glad I didn't try to stop him 4549 or anything. "I'm not trying to tell you," he said, "that only educated and scholarly men 4550 are able to contribute something valuable to the world. It's not so. But I do say that 4551 educated and scholarly men, if they're brilliant and creative to begin with--which, 4552 unfortunately, is rarely the case--tend to leave infinitely more valuable records behind 4553 them than men do who are merely brilliant and creative. They tend to express themselves 4554 more clearly, and they usually have a passion for following their thoughts through to the 4555 end. And--most important--nine times out of ten they have more humility than the 4556 unscholarly thinker. Do you follow me at all?" 4557 "Yes, sir." 4558 He didn't say anything again for quite a while. I don't know if you've ever done it, 4559 but it's sort of hard to sit around waiting for somebody to say something when they're 4560 thinking and all. It really is. I kept trying not to yawn. It wasn't that I was bored or 4561 anything--I wasn't--but I was so damn sleepy all of a sudden. 4562 "Something else an academic education will do for you. If you go along with it 4563 any considerable distance, it'll begin to give you an idea what size mind you have. What 4564 it'll fit and, maybe, what it won't. After a while, you'll have an idea what kind of thoughts 4565 your particular size mind should be wearing. For one thing, it may save you an 4566 extraordinary amount of time trying on ideas that don't suit you, aren't becoming to you. 4567 You'll begin to know your true measurements and dress your mind accordingly." 4568 Then, all of a sudden, I yawned. What a rude bastard, but I couldn't help it! 4569 Mr. Antolini just laughed, though. "C'mon," he said, and got up. "We'll fix up the 4570 couch for you." 4571 I followed him and he went over to this closet and tried to take down some sheets 4572 and blankets and stuff that was on the top shelf, but he couldn't do it with this highball 4573 glass in his hand. So he drank it and then put the glass down on the floor and then he took 4574 the stuff down. I helped him bring it over to the couch. We both made the bed together. 4575 He wasn't too hot at it. He didn't tuck anything in very tight. I didn't care, though. I 4576 could've slept standing up I was so tired. 4577 "How're all your women?" <!-- [Page 103](arke:01KFYTAMSDDZYETWD8A02PAC7K) --> 4578 "They're okay." I was being a lousy conversationalist, but I didn't feel like it. 4579 "How's Sally?" He knew old Sally Hayes. I introduced him once. 4580 "She's all right. I had a date with her this afternoon." Boy, it seemed like twenty 4581 years ago! "We don't have too much in common any more." 4582 "Helluva pretty girl. What about that other girl? The one you told me about, in 4583 Maine?" 4584 "Oh--Jane Gallagher. She's all right. I'm probably gonna give her a buzz 4585 tomorrow." 4586 We were all done making up the couch then. "It's all yours," Mr. Antolini said. "I 4587 don't know what the hell you're going to do with those legs of yours." 4588 "That's all right. I'm used to short beds," I said. "Thanks a lot, sir. You and Mrs. 4589 Antolini really saved my life tonight." 4590 "You know where the bathroom is. If there's anything you want, just holler. I'll be 4591 in the kitchen for a while--will the light bother you?" 4592 "No--heck, no. Thanks a lot." 4593 "All right. Good night, handsome." 4594 "G'night, sir. Thanks a lot." 4595 He went out in the kitchen and I went in the bathroom and got undressed and all. I 4596 couldn't brush my teeth because I didn't have any toothbrush with me. I didn't have any 4597 pajamas either and Mr. Antolini forgot to lend me some. So I just went back in the living 4598 room and turned off this little lamp next to the couch, and then I got in bed with just my 4599 shorts on. It was way too short for me, the couch, but I really could've slept standing up 4600 without batting an eyelash. I laid awake for just a couple of seconds thinking about all 4601 that stuff Mr. Antolini'd told me. About finding out the size of your mind and all. He was 4602 really a pretty smart guy. But I couldn't keep my goddam eyes open, and I fell asleep. 4603 Then something happened. I don't even like to talk about it. 4604 I woke up all of a sudden. I don't know what time it was or anything, but I woke 4605 up. I felt something on my head, some guy's hand. Boy, it really scared hell out of me. 4606 What it was, it was Mr. Antolini's hand. What he was doing was, he was sitting on the 4607 floor right next to the couch, in the dark and all, and he was sort of petting me or patting 4608 me on the goddam head. Boy, I'll bet I jumped about a thousand feet. 4609 "What the hellya doing?" I said. 4610 "Nothing! I'm simply sitting here, admiring--" 4611 "What're ya doing, anyway?" I said over again. I didn't know what the hell to say- 4612 -I mean I was embarrassed as hell. 4613 "How 'bout keeping your voice down? I'm simply sitting here--" 4614 "I have to go, anyway," I said--boy, was I nervous! I started putting on my damn 4615 pants in the dark. I could hardly get them on I was so damn nervous. I know more damn 4616 perverts, at schools and all, than anybody you ever met, and they're always being perverty 4617 when I'm around. 4618 "You have to go where?" Mr. Antolini said. He was trying to act very goddam 4619 casual and cool and all, but he wasn't any too goddam cool. Take my word. 4620 "I left my bags and all at the station. I think maybe I'd better go down and get 4621 them. I have all my stuff in them." 4622 "They'll be there in the morning. Now, go back to bed. I'm going to bed myself. 4623 What's the matter with you?" <!-- [Page 104](arke:01KFYTAMRVRGC7X3PYWGKQPCCA) --> 4624 "Nothing's the matter, it's just that all my money and stuff's in one of my bags. I'll 4625 be right back. I'll get a cab and be right back," I said. Boy, I was falling all over myself in 4626 the dark. "The thing is, it isn't mine, the money. It's my mother's, and I--" 4627 "Don't be ridiculous, Holden. Get back in that bed. I'm going to bed myself. The 4628 money will be there safe and sound in the morn--" 4629 "No, no kidding. I gotta get going. I really do." I was damn near all dressed 4630 already, except that I couldn't find my tie. I couldn't remember where I'd put my tie. I put 4631 on my jacket and all without it. Old Mr. Antolini was sitting now in the big chair a little 4632 ways away from me, watching me. It was dark and all and I couldn't see him so hot, but I 4633 knew he was watching me, all right. He was still boozing, too. I could see his trusty 4634 highball glass in his hand. 4635 "You're a very, very strange boy." 4636 "I know it," I said. I didn't even look around much for my tie. So I went without it. 4637 "Good-by, sir," I said, "Thanks a lot. No kidding." 4638 He kept walking right behind me when I went to the front door, and when I rang 4639 the elevator bell he stayed in the damn doorway. All he said was that business about my 4640 being a "very, very strange boy" again. Strange, my ass. Then he waited in the doorway 4641 and all till the goddam elevator came. I never waited so long for an elevator in my whole 4642 goddam life. I swear. 4643 I didn't know what the hell to talk about while I was waiting for the elevator, and 4644 he kept standing there, so I said, "I'm gonna start reading some good books. I really am." 4645 I mean you had to say something. It was very embarrassing. 4646 "You grab your bags and scoot right on back here again. I'll leave the door 4647 unlatched." 4648 "Thanks a lot," I said. "G'by!" The elevator was finally there. I got in and went 4649 down. Boy, I was shaking like a madman. I was sweating, too. When something perverty 4650 like that happens, I start sweating like a bastard. That kind of stuff's happened to me 4651 about twenty times since I was a kid. I can't stand it. 4652 25 4653 When I got outside, it was just getting light out. It was pretty cold, too, but it felt 4654 good because I was sweating so much. 4655 I didn't know where the hell to go. I didn't want to go to another hotel and spend 4656 all Phoebe's dough. So finally all I did was I walked over to Lexington and took the 4657 subway down to Grand Central. My bags were there and all, and I figured I'd sleep in that 4658 crazy waiting room where all the benches are. So that's what I did. It wasn't too bad for a 4659 while because there weren't many people around and I could stick my feet up. But I don't 4660 feel much like discussing it. It wasn't too nice. Don't ever try it. I mean it. It'll depress 4661 you. 4662 I only slept till around nine o'clock because a million people started coming in the 4663 waiting room and I had to take my feet down. I can't sleep so hot if I have to keep my feet 4664 on the floor. So I sat up. I still had that headache. It was even worse. And I think I was 4665 more depressed than I ever was in my whole life. <!-- [Page 105](arke:01KFYTAMSGJB1CJZTNKRBACB8A) --> 4666 I didn't want to, but I started thinking about old Mr. Antolini and I wondered what 4667 he'd tell Mrs. Antolini when she saw I hadn't slept there or anything. That part didn't 4668 worry me too much, though, because I knew Mr. Antolini was very smart and that he 4669 could make up something to tell her. He could tell her I'd gone home or something. That 4670 part didn't worry me much. But what did worry me was the part about how I'd woke up 4671 and found him patting me on the head and all. I mean I wondered if just maybe I was 4672 wrong about thinking be was making a flitty pass at ne. I wondered if maybe he just liked 4673 to pat guys on the head when they're asleep. I mean how can you tell about that stuff for 4674 sure? You can't. I even started wondering if maybe I should've got my bags and gone 4675 back to his house, the way I'd said I would. I mean I started thinking that even if he was a 4676 flit he certainly'd been very nice to me. I thought how he hadn't minded it when I'd called 4677 him up so late, and how he'd told me to come right over if I felt like it. And how he went 4678 to all that trouble giving me that advice about finding out the size of your mind and all, 4679 and how he was the only guy that'd even gone near that boy James Castle I told you about 4680 when he was dead. I thought about all that stuff. And the more I thought about it, the 4681 more depressed I got. I mean I started thinking maybe I should've gone back to his house. 4682 Maybe he was only patting my head just for the hell of it. The more I thought about it, 4683 though, the more depressed and screwed up about it I got. What made it even worse, my 4684 eyes were sore as hell. They felt sore and burny from not getting too much sleep. Besides 4685 that, I was getting sort of a cold, and I didn't even have a goddam handkerchief with me. I 4686 had some in my suitcase, but I didn't feel like taking it out of that strong box and opening 4687 it up right in public and all. 4688 There was this magazine that somebody'd left on the bench next to me, so I 4689 started reading it, thinking it'd make me stop thinking about Mr. Antolini and a million 4690 other things for at least a little while. But this damn article I started reading made me feel 4691 almost worse. It was all about hormones. It described how you should look, your face and 4692 eyes and all, if your hormones were in good shape, and I didn't look that way at all. I 4693 looked exactly like the guy in the article with lousy hormones. So I started getting 4694 worried about my hormones. Then I read this other article about how you can tell if you 4695 have cancer or not. It said if you had any sores in your mouth that didn't heal pretty 4696 quickly, it was a sign that you probably had cancer. I'd had this sore on the inside of my 4697 lip for about two weeks. So figured I was getting cancer. That magazine was some little 4698 cheerer upper. I finally quit reading it and went outside for a walk. I figured I'd be dead in 4699 a couple of months because I had cancer. I really did. I was even positive I would be. It 4700 certainly didn't make me feel too gorgeous. It'sort of looked like it was going to rain, but I 4701 went for this walk anyway. For one thing, I figured I ought to get some breakfast. I wasn't 4702 at all hungry, but I figured I ought to at least eat something. I mean at least get something 4703 with some vitamins in it. So I started walking way over east, where the pretty cheap 4704 restaurants are, because I didn't want to spend a lot of dough. 4705 While I was walking, I passed these two guys that were unloading this big 4706 Christmas tree off a truck. One guy kept saying to the other guy, "Hold the sonuvabitch 4707 up! Hold it up, for Chrissake!" It certainly was a gorgeous way to talk about a Christmas 4708 tree. It was sort of funny, though, in an awful way, and I started to sort of laugh. It was 4709 about the worst thing I could've done, because the minute I started to laugh I thought I 4710 was going to vomit. I really did. I even started to, but it went away. I don't know why. I 4711 mean I hadn't eaten anything unsanitary or like that and usually I have quite a strong <!-- [Page 106](arke:01KFYTAN1JV88G80GY5369C6H8) --> 4712 stomach. Anyway, I got over it, and I figured I'd feel better if I had something to eat. So I 4713 went in this very cheap-looking restaurant and had doughnuts and coffee. Only, I didn't 4714 eat the doughnuts. I couldn't swallow them too well. The thing is, if you get very 4715 depressed about something, it's hard as hell to swallow. The waiter was very nice, 4716 though. He took them back without charging me. I just drank the coffee. Then I left and 4717 started walking over toward Fifth Avenue. 4718 It was Monday and all, and pretty near Christmas, and all the stores were open. So 4719 it wasn't too bad walking on Fifth Avenue. It was fairly Christmasy. All those scraggy- 4720 looking Santa Clauses were standing on corners ringing those bells, and the Salvation 4721 Army girls, the ones that don't wear any lipstick or anything, were tinging bells too. I sort 4722 of kept looking around for those two nuns I'd met at breakfast the day before, but I didn't 4723 see them. I knew I wouldn't, because they'd told me they'd come to New York to be 4724 schoolteachers, but I kept looking for them anyway. Anyway, it was pretty Christmasy all 4725 of a sudden. A million little kids were downtown with their mothers, getting on and off 4726 buses and coming in and out of stores. I wished old Phoebe was around. She's not little 4727 enough any more to go stark staring mad in the toy department, but she enjoys horsing 4728 around and looking at the people. The Christmas before last I took her downtown 4729 shopping with me. We had a helluva time. I think it was in Bloomingdale's. We went in 4730 the shoe department and we pretended she--old Phoebe-- wanted to get a pair of those 4731 very high storm shoes, the kind that have about a million holes to lace up. We had the 4732 poor salesman guy going crazy. Old Phoebe tried on about twenty pairs, and each time 4733 the poor guy had to lace one shoe all the way up. It was a dirty trick, but it killed old 4734 Phoebe. We finally bought a pair of moccasins and charged them. The salesman was very 4735 nice about it. I think he knew we were horsing around, because old Phoebe always starts 4736 giggling. 4737 Anyway, I kept walking and walking up Fifth Avenue, without any tie on or 4738 anything. Then all of a sudden, something very spooky started happening. Every time I 4739 came to the end of a block and stepped off the goddam curb, I had this feeling that I'd 4740 never get to the other side of the street. I thought I'd just go down, down, down, and 4741 nobody'd ever see me again. Boy, did it scare me. You can't imagine. I started sweating 4742 like a bastard--my whole shirt and underwear and everything. Then I started doing 4743 something else. Every time I'd get to the end of a block I'd make believe I was talking to 4744 my brother Allie. I'd say to him, "Allie, don't let me disappear. Allie, don't let me 4745 disappear. Allie, don't let me disappear. Please, Allie." And then when I'd reach the other 4746 side of the street without disappearing, I'd thank him. Then it would start all over again as 4747 soon as I got to the next corner. But I kept going and all. I was sort of afraid to stop, I 4748 think--I don't remember, to tell you the truth. I know I didn't stop till I was way up in the 4749 Sixties, past the zoo and all. Then I sat down on this bench. I could hardly get my breath, 4750 and I was still sweating like a bastard. I sat there, I guess, for about an hour. Finally, what 4751 I decided I'd do, I decided I'd go away. I decided I'd never go home again and I'd never 4752 go away to another school again. I decided I'd just see old Phoebe and sort of say good- 4753 by to her and all, and give her back her Christmas dough, and then I'd start hitchhiking 4754 my way out West. What I'd do, I figured, I'd go down to the Holland Tunnel and bum a 4755 ride, and then I'd bum another one, and another one, and another one, and in a few days 4756 I'd be somewhere out West where it was very pretty and sunny and where nobody'd know 4757 me and I'd get a job. I figured I could get a job at a filling station somewhere, putting gas <!-- [Page 107](arke:01KFYTAMSGPKBJDT41PEZA0BE9) --> 4758 and oil in people's cars. I didn't care what kind of job it was, though. Just so people didn't 4759 know me and I didn't know anybody. I thought what I'd do was, I'd pretend I was one of 4760 those deaf-mutes. That way I wouldn't have to have any goddam stupid useless 4761 conversations with anybody. If anybody wanted to tell me something, they'd have to 4762 write it on a piece of paper and shove it over to me. They'd get bored as hell doing that 4763 after a while, and then I'd be through with having conversations for the rest of my life. 4764 Everybody'd think I was just a poor deaf-mute bastard and they'd leave me alone. They'd 4765 let me put gas and oil in their stupid cars, and they'd pay me a salary and all for it, and I'd 4766 build me a little cabin somewhere with the dough I made and live there for the rest of my 4767 life. I'd build it right near the woods, but not right in them, because I'd want it to be sunny 4768 as hell all the time. I'd cook all my own food, and later on, if I wanted to get married or 4769 something, I'd meet this beautiful girl that was also a deaf-mute and we'd get married. 4770 She'd come and live in my cabin with me, and if she wanted to say anything to me, she'd 4771 have to write it on a goddam piece of paper, like everybody else. If we had any children, 4772 we'd hide them somewhere. We could buy them a lot of books and teach them how to 4773 read and write by ourselves. 4774 I got excited as hell thinking about it. I really did. I knew the part about 4775 pretending I was a deaf-mute was crazy, but I liked thinking about it anyway. But I really 4776 decided to go out West and all. All I wanted to do first was say good-by to old Phoebe. 4777 So all of a sudden, I ran like a madman across the street--I damn near got killed doing it, 4778 if you want to know the truth--and went in this stationery store and bought a pad and 4779 pencil. I figured I'd write her a note telling her where to meet me so I could say good-by 4780 to her and give her back her Christmas dough, and then I'd take the note up to her school 4781 and get somebody in the principal's office to give it to her. But I just put the pad and 4782 pencil in my pocket and started walking fast as hell up to her school--I was too excited to 4783 write the note right in the stationery store. I walked fast because I wanted her to get the 4784 note before she went home for lunch, and I didn't have any too much time. 4785 I knew where her school was, naturally, because I went there myself when I was a 4786 kid. When I got there, it felt funny. I wasn't sure I'd remember what it was like inside, but 4787 I did. It was exactly the same as it was when I went there. They had that same big yard 4788 inside, that was always sort of dark, with those cages around the light bulbs so they 4789 wouldn't break if they got hit with a ball. They had those same white circles painted all 4790 over the floor, for games and stuff. And those same old basketball rings without any nets- 4791 -just the backboards and the rings. 4792 Nobody was around at all, probably because it wasn't recess period, and it wasn't 4793 lunchtime yet. All I saw was one little kid, a colored kid, on his way to the bathroom. He 4794 had one of those wooden passes sticking out of his hip pocket, the same way we used to 4795 have, to show he had permission and all to go to the bathroom. 4796 I was still sweating, but not so bad any more. I went over to the stairs and sat 4797 down on the first step and took out the pad and pencil I'd bought. The stairs had the same 4798 smell they used to have when I went there. Like somebody'd just taken a leak on them. 4799 School stairs always smell like that. Anyway, I sat there and wrote this note: 4800 DEAR PHOEBE, 4801 I can't wait around till Wednesday any more so I will <!-- [Page 108](arke:01KFYTAMRHJK0FG7V90VC6NC6H) --> 4802 probably hitch hike out west this afternoon. Meet me at the 4803 Museum of art near the door at quarter past 12 if you can and I 4804 will give you your Christmas dough back. I didn't spend much. 4805 Love, 4806 HOLDEN 4807 Her school was practically right near the museum, and she had to pass it on her 4808 way home for lunch anyway, so I knew she could meet me all right. 4809 Then I started walking up the stairs to the principal's office so I could give the 4810 note to somebody that would bring it to her in her classroom. I folded it about ten times 4811 so nobody'd open it. You can't trust anybody in a goddam school. But I knew they'd give 4812 it to her if I was her brother and all. 4813 While I was walking up the stairs, though, all of a sudden I thought I was going to 4814 puke again. Only, I didn't. I sat down for a second, and then I felt better. But while I was 4815 sitting down, I saw something that drove me crazy. Somebody'd written "Fuck you" on 4816 the wall. It drove me damn near crazy. I thought how Phoebe and all the other little kids 4817 would see it, and how they'd wonder what the hell it meant, and then finally some dirty 4818 kid would tell them--all cockeyed, naturally--what it meant, and how they'd all think 4819 about it and maybe even worry about it for a couple of days. I kept wanting to kill 4820 whoever'd written it. I figured it was some perverty bum that'd sneaked in the school late 4821 at night to take a leak or something and then wrote it on the wall. I kept picturing myself 4822 catching him at it, and how I'd smash his head on the stone steps till he was good and 4823 goddam dead and bloody. But I knew, too, I wouldn't have the guts to do it. I knew that. 4824 That made me even more depressed. I hardly even had the guts to rub it off the wall with 4825 my hand, if you want to know the truth. I was afraid some teacher would catch me 4826 rubbing it off and would think I'd written it. But I rubbed it out anyway, finally. Then I 4827 went on up to the principal's office. 4828 The principal didn't seem to be around, but some old lady around a hundred years 4829 old was sitting at a typewriter. I told her I was Phoebe Caulfield's brother, in 4B-1, and I 4830 asked her to please give Phoebe the note. I said it was very important because my mother 4831 was sick and wouldn't have lunch ready for Phoebe and that she'd have to meet me and 4832 have lunch in a drugstore. She was very nice about it, the old lady. She took the note off 4833 me and called some other lady, from the next office, and the other lady went to give it to 4834 Phoebe. Then the old lady that was around a hundred years old and I shot the breeze for a 4835 while, She was pretty nice, and I told her how I'd gone there to school, too, and my 4836 brothers. She asked me where I went to school now, and I told her Pencey, and she said 4837 Pencey was a very good school. Even if I'd wanted to, I wouldn't have had the strength to 4838 straighten her out. Besides, if she thought Pencey was a very good school, let her think it. 4839 You hate to tell new stuff to somebody around a hundred years old. They don't like to 4840 hear it. Then, after a while, I left. It was funny. She yelled "Good luck!" at me the same 4841 way old Spencer did when I left Pencey. God, how I hate it when somebody yells "Good 4842 luck!" at me when I'm leaving somewhere. It's depressing. 4843 I went down by a different staircase, and I saw another "Fuck you" on the wall. I 4844 tried to rub it off with my hand again, but this one was scratched on, with a knife or <!-- [Page 109](arke:01KFYTAMT2GVQD643YQC4FZDKE) --> 4845 something. It wouldn't come off. It's hopeless, anyway. If you had a million years to do it 4846 in, you couldn't rub out even half the "Fuck you" signs in the world. It's impossible. 4847 I looked at the clock in the recess yard, and it was only twenty to twelve, so I had 4848 quite a lot of time to kill before I met old Phoebe. But I just walked over to the museum 4849 anyway. There wasn't anyplace else to go. I thought maybe I might stop in a phone booth 4850 and give old Jane Gallagher a buzz before I started bumming my way west, but I wasn't 4851 in the mood. For one thing, I wasn't even sure she was home for vacation yet. So I just 4852 went over to the museum, and hung around. 4853 While I was waiting around for Phoebe in the museum, right inside the doors and 4854 all, these two little kids came up to me and asked me if I knew where the mummies were. 4855 The one little kid, the one that asked me, had his pants open. I told him about it. So he 4856 buttoned them up right where he was standing talking to me--he didn't even bother to go 4857 behind a post or anything. He killed me. I would've laughed, but I was afraid I'd feel like 4858 vomiting again, so I didn't. "Where're the mummies, fella?" the kid said again. "Ya 4859 know?" 4860 I horsed around with the two of them a little bit. "The mummies? What're they?" I 4861 asked the one kid. 4862 "You know. The mummies--them dead guys. That get buried in them toons and 4863 all." 4864 Toons. That killed me. He meant tombs. 4865 "How come you two guys aren't in school?" I said. 4866 "No school t'day," the kid that did all the talking said. He was lying, sure as I'm 4867 alive, the little bastard. I didn't have anything to do, though, till old Phoebe showed up, so 4868 I helped them find the place where the mummies were. Boy, I used to know exactly 4869 where they were, but I hadn't been in that museum in years. 4870 "You two guys so interested in mummies?" I said. 4871 "Yeah." 4872 "Can't your friend talk?" I said. 4873 "He ain't my friend. He's my brudda." 4874 "Can't he talk?" I looked at the one that wasn't doing any talking. "Can't you talk 4875 at all?" I asked him. 4876 "Yeah," he said. "I don't feel like it." 4877 Finally we found the place where the mummies were, and we went in. 4878 "You know how the Egyptians buried their dead?" I asked the one kid. 4879 "Naa." 4880 "Well, you should. It's very interesting. They wrapped their faces up in these 4881 cloths that were treated with some secret chemical. That way they could be buried in their 4882 tombs for thousands of years and their faces wouldn't rot or anything. Nobody knows 4883 how to do it except the Egyptians. Even modern science." 4884 To get to where the mummies were, you had to go down this very narrow sort of 4885 hall with stones on the side that they'd taken right out of this Pharaoh's tomb and all. It 4886 was pretty spooky, and you could tell the two hot-shots I was with weren't enjoying it too 4887 much. They stuck close as hell to me, and the one that didn't talk at all practically was 4888 holding onto my sleeve. "Let's go," he said to his brother. "I seen 'em awreddy. C'mon, 4889 hey." He turned around and beat it. 4890 "He's got a yella streak a mile wide," the other one said. "So long!" He beat it too. <!-- [Page 110](arke:01KFYTAMRS50NKB3ARRSDR8ZT6) --> 4891 I was the only one left in the tomb then. I sort of liked it, in a way. It was so nice 4892 and peaceful. Then, all of a sudden, you'd never guess what I saw on the wall. Another 4893 "Fuck you." It was written with a red crayon or something, right under the glass part of 4894 the wall, under the stones. 4895 That's the whole trouble. You can't ever find a place that's nice and peaceful, 4896 because there isn't any. You may think there is, but once you get there, when you're not 4897 looking, somebody'll sneak up and write "Fuck you" right under your nose. Try it 4898 sometime. I think, even, if I ever die, and they stick me in a cemetery, and I have a 4899 tombstone and all, it'll say "Holden Caulfield" on it, and then what year I was born and 4900 what year I died, and then right under that it'll say "Fuck you." I'm positive, in fact. 4901 After I came out of the place where the mummies were, I had to go to the 4902 bathroom. I sort of had diarrhea, if you want to know the truth. I didn't mind the diarrhea 4903 part too much, but something else happened. When I was coming out of the can, right 4904 before I got to the door, I sort of passed out. I was lucky, though. I mean I could've killed 4905 myself when I hit the floor, but all I did was sort of land on my side. it was a funny thing, 4906 though. I felt better after I passed out. I really did. My arm sort of hurt, from where I fell, 4907 but I didn't feel so damn dizzy any more. 4908 It was about ten after twelve or so then, and so I went back and stood by the door 4909 and waited for old Phoebe. I thought how it might be the last time I'd ever see her again. 4910 Any of my relatives, I mean. I figured I'd probably see them again, but not for years. I 4911 might come home when I was about thirty-five. I figured, in case somebody got sick and 4912 wanted to see me before they died, but that would be the only reason I'd leave my cabin 4913 and come back. I even started picturing how it would be when I came back. I knew my 4914 mother'd get nervous as hell and start to cry and beg me to stay home and not go back to 4915 my cabin, but I'd go anyway. I'd be casual as hell. I'd make her calm down, and then I'd 4916 go over to the other side of the living room and take out this cigarette case and light a 4917 cigarette, cool as all hell. I'd ask them all to visit me sometime if they wanted to, but I 4918 wouldn't insist or anything. What I'd do, I'd let old Phoebe come out and visit me in the 4919 summertime and on Christmas vacation and Easter vacation. And I'd let D.B. come out 4920 and visit me for a while if he wanted a nice, quiet place for his writing, but he couldn't 4921 write any movies in my cabin, only stories and books. I'd have this rule that nobody could 4922 do anything phony when they visited me. If anybody tried to do anything phony, they 4923 couldn't stay. 4924 All of a sudden I looked at the clock in the checkroom and it was twenty-five of 4925 one. I began to get scared that maybe that old lady in the school had told that other lady 4926 not to give old Phoebe my message. I began to get scared that maybe she'd told her to 4927 burn it or something. It really scared hell out of me. I really wanted to see old Phoebe 4928 before I hit the road. I mean I had her Christmas dough and all. 4929 Finally, I saw her. I saw her through the glass part of the door. The reason I saw 4930 her, she had my crazy hunting hat on--you could see that hat about ten miles away. 4931 I went out the doors and started down these stone stairs to meet her. The thing I 4932 couldn't understand, she had this big suitcase with her. She was just coming across Fifth 4933 Avenue, and she was dragging this goddam big suitcase with her. She could hardly drag 4934 it. When I got up closer, I saw it was my old suitcase, the one I used to use when I was at 4935 Whooton. I couldn't figure out what the hell she was doing with it. "Hi," she said when 4936 she got up close. She was all out of breath from that crazy suitcase. <!-- [Page 111](arke:01KFYTAMRSSX47N5YZF9AGQDP8) --> 4937 "I thought maybe you weren't coming," I said. "What the hell's in that bag? I don't 4938 need anything. I'm just going the way I am. I'm not even taking the bags I got at the 4939 station. What the hellya got in there?" 4940 She put the suitcase down. "My clothes," she said. "I'm going with you. Can I? 4941 Okay?" 4942 "What?" I said. I almost fell over when she said that. I swear to God I did. I got 4943 sort of dizzy and I thought I was going to pass out or something again. 4944 "I took them down the back elevator so Charlene wouldn't see me. It isn't heavy. 4945 All I have in it is two dresses and my moccasins and my underwear and socks and some 4946 other things. Feel it. It isn't heavy. Feel it once. . . Can't I go with you? Holden? Can't I? 4947 Please." 4948 "No. Shut up." 4949 I thought I was going to pass out cold. I mean I didn't mean to tell her to shut up 4950 and all, but I thought I was going to pass out again. 4951 "Why can't I? Please, Holden! I won't do anything-- I'll just go with you, that's all! 4952 I won't even take my clothes with me if you don't want me to--I'll just take my--" 4953 "You can't take anything. Because you're not going. I'm going alone. So shut up." 4954 "Please, Holden. Please let me go. I'll be very, very, very--You won't even--" 4955 "You're not going. Now, shut up! Gimme that bag," I said. I took the bag off her. I 4956 was almost all set to hit her, I thought I was going to smack her for a second. I really did. 4957 She started to cry. 4958 "I thought you were supposed to be in a play at school and all I thought you were 4959 supposed to be Benedict Arnold in that play and all," I said. I said it very nasty. 4960 "Whuddaya want to do? Not be in the play, for God's sake?" That made her cry even 4961 harder. I was glad. All of a sudden I wanted her to cry till her eyes practically dropped 4962 out. I almost hated her. I think I hated her most because she wouldn't be in that play any 4963 more if she went away with me. 4964 "Come on," I said. I started up the steps to the museum again. I figured what I'd 4965 do was, I'd check the crazy suitcase she'd brought in the checkroom, andy then she could 4966 get it again at three o'clock, after school. I knew she couldn't take it back to school with 4967 her. "Come on, now," I said. 4968 She didn't go up the steps with me, though. She wouldn't come with me. I went up 4969 anyway, though, and brought the bag in the checkroom and checked it, and then I came 4970 down again. She was still standing there on the sidewalk, but she turned her back on me 4971 when I came up to her. She can do that. She can turn her back on you when she feels like 4972 it. "I'm not going away anywhere. I changed my mind. So stop crying, and shut up," I 4973 said. The funny part was, she wasn't even crying when I said that. I said it anyway, 4974 though, "C'mon, now. I'll walk you back to school. C'mon, now. You'll be late." 4975 She wouldn't answer me or anything. I sort of tried to get hold of her old hand, but 4976 she wouldn't let me. She kept turning around on me. 4977 "Didja have your lunch? Ya had your lunch yet?" I asked her. 4978 She wouldn't answer me. All she did was, she took off my red hunting hat--the 4979 one I gave her--and practically chucked it right in my face. Then she turned her back on 4980 me again. It nearly killed me, but I didn't say anything. I just picked it up and stuck it in 4981 my coat pocket. 4982 "Come on, hey. I'll walk you back to school," I said. <!-- [Page 112](arke:01KFYTAMSBGC28VC63N2TCRDH3) --> 4983 "I'm not going back to school." 4984 I didn't know what to say when she said that. I just stood there for a couple of 4985 minutes. 4986 "You have to go back to school. You want to be in that play, don't you? You want 4987 to be Benedict Arnold, don't you?" 4988 "No." 4989 "Sure you do. Certainly you do. C'mon, now, let's go," I said. "In the first place, 4990 I'm not going away anywhere, I told you. I'm going home. I'm going home as soon as you 4991 go back to school. First I'm gonna go down to the station and get my bags, and then I'm 4992 gonna go straight--" 4993 "I said I'm not going back to school. You can do what you want to do, but I'm not 4994 going back to chool," she said. "So shut up." It was the first time she ever told me to shut 4995 up. It sounded terrible. God, it sounded terrible. It sounded worse than swearing. She still 4996 wouldn't look at me either, and every time I sort of put my hand on her shoulder or 4997 something, she wouldn't let me. 4998 "Listen, do you want to go for a walk?" I asked her. "Do you want to take a walk 4999 down to the zoo? If I let you not go back to school this afternoon and go for walk, will 5000 you cut out this crazy stuff?" 5001 She wouldn't answer me, so I said it over again. "If I let you skip school this 5002 afternoon and go for a little walk, will you cut out the crazy stuff? Will you go back to 5003 school tomorrow like a good girl?" 5004 "I may and I may not," she said. Then she ran right the hell across the street, 5005 without even looking to see if any cars were coming. She's a madman sometimes. 5006 I didn't follow her, though. I knew she'd follow me, so I started walking 5007 downtown toward the zoo, on the park side of the street, and she started walking 5008 downtown on the other goddam side of the street, She wouldn't look over at me at all, but 5009 I could tell she was probably watching me out of the corner of her crazy eye to see where 5010 I was going and all. Anyway, we kept walking that way all the way to the zoo. The only 5011 thing that bothered me was when a double-decker bus came along because then I couldn't 5012 see across the street and I couldn't see where the hell she was. But when we got to the 5013 zoo, I yelled over to her, "Phoebe! I'm going in the zoo! C'mon, now!" She wouldn't look 5014 at me, but I could tell she heard me, and when I started down the steps to the zoo I turned 5015 around and saw she was crossing the street and following me and all. 5016 There weren't too many people in the zoo because it was sort of a lousy day, but 5017 there were a few around the sea lions' swimming pool and all. I started to go by but old 5018 Phoebe stopped and made out she was watching the sea lions getting fed--a guy was 5019 throwing fish at them--so I went back. I figured it was a good chance to catch up with her 5020 and all. I went up and sort of stood behind her and sort of put my hands on her shoulders, 5021 but she bent her knees and slid out from me--she can certainly be very snotty when she 5022 wants to. She kept standing there while the sea lions were getting fed and I stood right 5023 behind her. I didn't put my hands on her shoulders again or anything because if I had she 5024 really would've beat it on me. Kids are funny. You have to watch what you're doing. 5025 She wouldn't walk right next to me when we left the sea lions, but she didn't walk 5026 too far away. She sort of walked on one side of the sidewalk and I walked on the other 5027 side. It wasn't too gorgeous, but it was better than having her walk about a mile away 5028 from me, like before. We went up and watched the bears, on that little hill, for a while, <!-- [Page 113](arke:01KFYTAMRNTRCKT4PQDND70P8E) --> 5029 but there wasn't much to watch. Only one of the bears was out, the polar bear. The other 5030 one, the brown one, was in his goddam cave and wouldn't come out. All you could see 5031 was his rear end. There was a little kid standing next to me, with a cowboy hat on 5032 practically over his ears, and he kept telling his father, "Make him come out, Daddy. 5033 Make him come out." I looked at old Phoebe, but she wouldn't laugh. You know kids 5034 when they're sore at you. They won't laugh or anything. 5035 After we left the bears, we left the zoo and crossed over this little street in the 5036 park, and then we went through one of those little tunnels that always smell from 5037 somebody's taking a leak. It was on the way to the carrousel. Old Phoebe still wouldn't 5038 talk to me or anything, but she was sort of walking next to me now. I took a hold of the 5039 belt at the back of her coat, just for the hell of it, but she wouldn't let me. She said, "Keep 5040 your hands to yourself, if you don't mind." She was still sore at me. But not as sore as she 5041 was before. Anyway, we kept getting closer and closer to the carrousel and you could 5042 start to hear that nutty music it always plays. It was playing "Oh, Marie!" It played that 5043 same song about fifty years ago when I was a little kid. That's one nice thing about 5044 carrousels, they always play the same songs. 5045 "I thought the carrousel was closed in the wintertime," old Phoebe said. It was the 5046 first time she practically said anything. She probably forgot she was supposed to be sore 5047 at me. 5048 "Maybe because it's around Christmas," I said. 5049 She didn't say anything when I said that. She probably remembered she was 5050 supposed to be sore at me. 5051 "Do you want to go for a ride on it?" I said. I knew she probably did. When she 5052 was a tiny little kid, and Allie and D.B. and I used to go to the park with her, she was 5053 mad about the carrousel. You couldn't get her off the goddam thing. 5054 "I'm too big." she said. I thought she wasn't going to answer me, but she did. 5055 "No, you're not. Go on. I'll wait for ya. Go on," I said. We were right there then. 5056 There were a few kids riding on it, mostly very little kids, and a few parents were waiting 5057 around outside, sitting on the benches and all. What I did was, I went up to the window 5058 where they sell the tickets and bought old Phoebe a ticket. Then I gave it to her. She was 5059 standing right next to me. "Here," I said. "Wait a second--take the rest of your dough, 5060 too." I started giving her the rest of the dough she'd lent me. 5061 "You keep it. Keep it for me," she said. Then she said right afterward--"Please." 5062 That's depressing, when somebody says "please" to you. I mean if it's Phoebe or 5063 somebody. That depressed the hell out of me. But I put the dough back in my pocket. 5064 "Aren't you gonna ride, too?" she asked me. She was looking at me sort of funny. 5065 You could tell she wasn't too sore at me any more. 5066 "Maybe I will the next time. I'll watch ya," I said. "Got your ticket?" 5067 "Yes." 5068 "Go ahead, then--I'll be on this bench right over here. I'll watch ya." I went over 5069 and sat down on this bench, and she went and got on the carrousel. She walked all around 5070 it. I mean she walked once all the way around it. Then she sat down on this big, brown, 5071 beat-up-looking old horse. Then the carrousel started, and I watched her go around and 5072 around. There were only about five or six other kids on the ride, and the song the 5073 carrousel was playing was "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes." It was playing it very jazzy and 5074 funny. All the kids kept trying to grab for the gold ring, and so was old Phoebe, and I was <!-- [Page 114](arke:01KFYTAMY884WGR8941KXXM0PG) --> 5075 sort of afraid she'd fall off the goddam horse, but I didn't say anything or do anything. 5076 The thing with kids is, if they want to grab the gold ring, you have to let them do it, and 5077 not say anything. If they fall off they fall off, but it's bad if you say anything to them. 5078 When the ride was over she got off her horse and came over to me. "You ride 5079 once, too, this time," she said. 5080 "No, I'll just watch ya. I think I'll just watch," I said. I gave her some more of her 5081 dough. "Here. Get some more tickets." 5082 She took the dough off me. "I'm not mad at you any more," she said. 5083 "I know. Hurry up--the thing's gonna start again." 5084 Then all of a sudden she gave me a kiss. Then she held her hand out, and said, 5085 "It's raining. It's starting to rain." 5086 "I know." 5087 Then what she did--it damn near killed me--she reached in my coat pocket and 5088 took out my red hunting hat and put it on my head. 5089 "Don't you want it?" I said. 5090 "You can wear it a while." 5091 "Okay. Hurry up, though, now. You're gonna miss your ride. You won't get your 5092 own horse or anything." 5093 She kept hanging around, though. 5094 "Did you mean it what you said? You really aren't going away anywhere? Are 5095 you really going home afterwards?" she asked me. 5096 "Yeah," I said. I meant it, too. I wasn't lying to her. I really did go home 5097 afterwards. "Hurry up, now," I said. "The thing's starting." 5098 She ran and bought her ticket and got back on the goddam carrousel just in time. 5099 Then she walked all the way around it till she got her own horse back. Then she got on it. 5100 She waved to me and I waved back. 5101 Boy, it began to rain like a bastard. In buckets, I swear to God. All the parents and 5102 mothers and everybody went over and stood right under the roof of the carrousel, so they 5103 wouldn't get soaked to the skin or anything, but I stuck around on the bench for quite a 5104 while. I got pretty soaking wet, especially my neck and my pants. My hunting hat really 5105 gave me quite a lot of protection, in a way; but I got soaked anyway. I didn't care, though. 5106 I felt so damn happy all of sudden, the way old Phoebe kept going around and around. I 5107 was damn near bawling, I felt so damn happy, if you want to know the truth. I don't know 5108 why. It was just that she looked so damn nice, the way she kept going around and around, 5109 in her blue coat and all. God, I wish you could've been there. 5110 26 5111 That's all I'm going to tell about. I could probably tell you what I did after I went 5112 home, and how I got sick and all, and what school I'm supposed to go to next fall, after I 5113 get out of here, but I don't feel like it. I really don't. That stuff doesn't interest me too 5114 much right now. 5115 A lot of people, especially this one psychoanalyst guy they have here, keeps 5116 asking me if I'm going apply myself when I go back to school next September. It's such a 5117 stupid question, in my opinion. I mean how do you know what you're going to do till you <!-- [Page 115](arke:01KFYTAMSE3VE7KSZP6PJPQ4WQ) --> 5118 do it? The answer is, you don't. I think I am, but how do I know? I swear it's a stupid 5119 question. 5120 D.B. isn't as bad as the rest of them, but he keeps asking me a lot of questions, 5121 too. He drove over last Saturday with this English babe that's in this new picture he's 5122 writing. She was pretty affected, but very good-looking. Anyway, one time when she 5123 went to the ladies' room way the hell down in the other wing D.B. asked me what I 5124 thought about all this stuff I just finished telling you about. I didn't know what the hell to 5125 say. If you want to know the truth, I don't know what I think about it. I'm sorry I told so 5126 many people about it. About all I know is, I sort of miss everybody I told about. Even old 5127 Stradlater and Ackley, for instance. I think I even miss that goddam Maurice. It's funny. 5128 Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

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