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- confessions
- text
- of execrable defilements, from the waters of the sea, for the water of
Thy Grace; whereby when I was cleansed, the streams of my mother's eyes
should be dried, with which for me she daily watered the ground under
her face. And yet refusing to return without me, I scarcely persuaded
her to stay that night in a place hard by our ship, where was an Oratory
in memory of the blessed Cyprian. That night I privily departed, but she
was not behind in weeping and prayer. And what, O Lord, was she with so
many tears asking of Thee, but that Thou wouldest not suffer me to sail?
But Thou, in the depth of Thy counsels and hearing the main point of her
desire, regardest not what she then asked, that Thou mightest make me
what she ever asked. The wind blew and swelled our sails, and withdrew
the shore from our sight; and she on the morrow was there, frantic with
sorrow, and with complaints and groans filled Thine ears, Who didst then
disregard them; whilst through my desires, Thou wert hurrying me to end
all desire, and the earthly part of her affection to me was chastened
by the allotted scourge of sorrows. For she loved my being with her, as
mothers do, but much more than many; and she knew not how great joy Thou
wert about to work for her out of my absence. She knew not; therefore
did she weep and wail, and by this agony there appeared in her the
inheritance of Eve, with sorrow seeking what in sorrow she had brought
forth. And yet, after accusing my treachery and hardheartedness, she
betook herself again to intercede to Thee for me, went to her wonted
place, and I to Rome.
And lo, there was I received by the scourge of bodily sickness, and I
was going down to hell, carrying all the sins which I had committed,
both against Thee, and myself, and others, many and grievous, over and
above that bond of original sin, whereby we all die in Adam. For
Thou hadst not forgiven me any of these things in Christ, nor had He
abolished by His Cross the enmity which by my sins I had incurred with
Thee. For how should He, by the crucifixion of a phantasm, which I
believed Him to be? So true, then, was the death of my soul, as that
of His flesh seemed to me false; and how true the death of His body,
so false was the life of my soul, which did not believe it. And now the
fever heightening, I was parting and departing for ever. For had I then
parted hence, whither had I departed, but into fire and torments, such
as my misdeeds deserved in the truth of Thy appointment? And this she
knew not, yet in absence prayed for me. But Thou, everywhere present,
heardest her where she was, and, where I was, hadst compassion upon me;
that I should recover the health of my body, though frenzied as yet
in my sacrilegious heart. For I did not in all that danger desire Thy
baptism; and I was better as a boy, when I begged it of my mother's
piety, as I have before recited and confessed. But I had grown up to my
own shame, and I madly scoffed at the prescripts of Thy medicine, who
wouldest not suffer me, being such, to die a double death. With which
wound had my mother's heart been pierced, it could never be healed. For
I cannot express the affection she bore to me, and with how much more
vehement anguish she was now in labour of me in the spirit, than at her
childbearing in the flesh.
I see not then how she should have been healed, had such a death of mine
stricken through the bowels of her love. And where would have been those
her so strong and unceasing prayers, unintermitting to Thee alone? But
wouldest Thou, God of mercies, despise the contrite and humbled heart of
that chaste and sober widow, so frequent in almsdeeds, so full of duty
and service to Thy saints, no day intermitting the oblation at Thine
altar, twice a day, morning and evening, without any intermission,
coming to Thy church, not for idle tattlings and old wives' fables; but
that she might hear Thee in Thy discourses, and Thou her in her prayers.
Couldest Thou despise and reject from Thy aid the tears of such an one,
wherewith she begged of Thee not gold or silver, nor any mutable or
passing good, but the salvation of her son's soul? Thou, by whose gift
she was such? Never, Lord. Yea, Thou wert at hand, and wert hearing and
doing, in that order wherein Thou hadst determined before that it should
be done. Far be it that Thou shouldest deceive her in Thy visions and
answers, some whereof I have, some I have not mentioned, which she laid
up in her faithful heart, and ever praying, urged upon Thee, as
Thine own handwriting. For Thou, because Thy mercy endureth for ever,
vouchsafest to those to whom Thou forgivest all of their debts, to
become also a debtor by Thy promises.
Thou recoveredst me then of that sickness, and healedst the son of Thy
handmaid, for the time in body, that he might live, for Thee to bestow
upon him a better and more abiding health. And even then, at Rome, I
joined myself to those deceiving and deceived "holy ones"; not with
their disciples only (of which number was he, in whose house I had
fallen sick and recovered); but also with those whom they call "The
Elect." For I still thought "that it was not we that sin, but that I
know not what other nature sinned in us"; and it delighted my pride, to
be free from blame; and when I had done any evil, not to confess I had
done any, that Thou mightest heal my soul because it had sinned against
Thee: but I loved to excuse it, and to accuse I know not what other
thing, which was with me, but which I was not. But in truth it was
wholly I, and mine impiety had divided me against myself: and that sin
was the more incurable, whereby I did not judge myself a sinner; and
execrable iniquity it was, that I had rather have Thee, Thee, O God
Almighty, to be overcome in me to my destruction, than myself of Thee to
salvation. Not as yet then hadst Thou set a watch before my mouth, and a
door of safe keeping around my lips, that my heart might not turn
aside to wicked speeches, to make excuses of sins, with men that work
iniquity; and, therefore, was I still united with their Elect.
But now despairing to make proficiency in that false doctrine, even
those things (with which if I should find no better, I had resolved to
rest contented) I now held more laxly and carelessly. For there half
arose a thought in me that those philosophers, whom they call Academics,
were wiser than the rest, for that they held men ought to doubt
everything, and laid down that no truth can be comprehended by man:
for so, not then understanding even their meaning, I also was clearly
convinced that they thought, as they are commonly reported. Yet did I
freely and openly discourage that host of mine from that over-confidence
which I perceived him to have in those fables, which the books of
Manichaeus are full of. Yet I lived in more familiar friendship with
them, than with others who were not of this heresy. Nor did I maintain
it with my ancient eagerness; still my intimacy with that sect (Rome
secretly harbouring many of them) made me slower to seek any other way:
especially since I despaired of finding the truth, from which they had
turned me aside, in Thy Church, O Lord of heaven and earth, Creator of
all things visible and invisible: and it seemed to me very unseemly to
believe Thee to have the shape of human flesh, and to be bounded by the
bodily lineaments of our members. And because, when I wished to think on
my God, I knew not what to think of, but a mass of bodies (for what was
not such did not seem to me to be anything), this was the greatest, and
almost only cause of my inevitable error.
For hence I believed Evil also to be some such kind of substance, and
to have its own foul and hideous bulk; whether gross, which they called
earth, or thin and subtile (like the body of the air), which they
imagine to be some malignant mind, creeping through that earth.