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- confessions
- text
- cut off and end all care and feeling? Then must this be ascertained.
But God forbid this! It is no vain and empty thing, that the excellent
dignity of the authority of the Christian Faith hath overspread the
whole world. Never would such and so great things be by God wrought for
us, if with the death of the body the life of the soul came to an end.
Wherefore delay then to abandon worldly hopes, and give ourselves wholly
to seek after God and the blessed life? But wait! Even those things are
pleasant; they have some, and no small sweetness. We must not lightly
abandon them, for it were a shame to return again to them. See, it is
no great matter now to obtain some station, and then what should we more
wish for? We have store of powerful friends; if nothing else offer, and
we be in much haste, at least a presidentship may be given us: and a
wife with some money, that she increase not our charges: and this shall
be the bound of desire. Many great men, and most worthy of imitation,
have given themselves to the study of wisdom in the state of marriage."
While I went over these things, and these winds shifted and drove my
heart this way and that, time passed on, but I delayed to turn to the
Lord; and from day to day deferred to live in Thee, and deferred not
daily to die in myself. Loving a happy life, I feared it in its own
abode, and sought it, by fleeing from it. I thought I should be too
miserable, unless folded in female arms; and of the medicine of Thy
mercy to cure that infirmity I thought not, not having tried it. As for
continency, I supposed it to be in our own power (though in myself I did
not find that power), being so foolish as not to know what is written,
None can be continent unless Thou give it; and that Thou wouldest give
it, if with inward groanings I did knock at Thine ears, and with a
settled faith did cast my care on Thee.
Alypius indeed kept me from marrying; alleging that so could we by no
means with undistracted leisure live together in the love of wisdom, as
we had long desired. For himself was even then most pure in this point,
so that it was wonderful; and that the more, since in the outset of his
youth he had entered into that course, but had not stuck fast therein;
rather had he felt remorse and revolting at it, living thenceforth until
now most continently. But I opposed him with the examples of those who
as married men had cherished wisdom, and served God acceptably, and
retained their friends, and loved them faithfully. Of whose greatness of
spirit I was far short; and bound with the disease of the flesh, and its
deadly sweetness, drew along my chain, dreading to be loosed, and as if
my wound had been fretted, put back his good persuasions, as it were the
hand of one that would unchain me. Moreover, by me did the serpent
speak unto Alypius himself, by my tongue weaving and laying in his
path pleasurable snares, wherein his virtuous and free feet might be
entangled.
For when he wondered that I, whom he esteemed not slightly, should stick
so fast in the birdlime of that pleasure, as to protest (so oft as we
discussed it) that I could never lead a single life; and urged in my
defence when I saw him wonder, that there was great difference between
his momentary and scarce-remembered knowledge of that life, which so
he might easily despise, and my continued acquaintance whereto if the
honourable name of marriage were added, he ought not to wonder why I
could not contemn that course; he began also to desire to be married;
not as overcome with desire of such pleasure, but out of curiosity. For
he would fain know, he said, what that should be, without which my life,
to him so pleasing, would to me seem not life but a punishment. For his
mind, free from that chain, was amazed at my thraldom; and through that
amazement was going on to a desire of trying it, thence to the trial
itself, and thence perhaps to sink into that bondage whereat he
wondered, seeing he was willing to make a covenant with death; and he
that loves danger, shall fall into it. For whatever honour there be in
the office of well-ordering a married life, and a family, moved us but
slightly. But me for the most part the habit of satisfying an insatiable
appetite tormented, while it held me captive; him, an admiring wonder
was leading captive. So were we, until Thou, O Most High, not forsaking
our dust, commiserating us miserable, didst come to our help, by
wondrous and secret ways.
Continual effort was made to have me married. I wooed, I was
promised, chiefly through my mother's pains, that so once married, the
health-giving baptism might cleanse me, towards which she rejoiced
that I was being daily fitted, and observed that her prayers, and Thy
promises, were being fulfilled in my faith. At which time verily, both
at my request and her own longing, with strong cries of heart she
daily begged of Thee, that Thou wouldest by a vision discover unto her
something concerning my future marriage; Thou never wouldest. She saw
indeed certain vain and fantastic things, such as the energy of the
human spirit, busied thereon, brought together; and these she told me
of, not with that confidence she was wont, when Thou showedst her any
thing, but slighting them. For she could, she said, through a certain
feeling, which in words she could not express, discern betwixt Thy
revelations, and the dreams of her own soul. Yet the matter was pressed
on, and a maiden asked in marriage, two years under the fit age; and, as
pleasing, was waited for.
And many of us friends conferring about, and detesting the turbulent
turmoils of human life, had debated and now almost resolved on living
apart from business and the bustle of men; and this was to be thus
obtained; we were to bring whatever we might severally procure, and
make one household of all; so that through the truth of our friendship
nothing should belong especially to any; but the whole thus derived from
all, should as a whole belong to each, and all to all. We thought there
might be some often persons in this society; some of whom were very
rich, especially Romanianus our townsman, from childhood a very familiar
friend of mine, whom the grievous perplexities of his affairs had
brought up to court; who was the most earnest for this project; and
therein was his voice of great weight, because his ample estate far
exceeded any of the rest. We had settled also that two annual officers,
as it were, should provide all things necessary, the rest being
undisturbed. But when we began to consider whether the wives, which
some of us already had, others hoped to have, would allow this, all that
plan, which was being so well moulded, fell to pieces in our hands, was
utterly dashed and cast aside. Thence we betook us to sighs, and groans,
and our steps to follow the broad and beaten ways of the world; for many
thoughts were in our heart, but Thy counsel standeth for ever. Out
of which counsel Thou didst deride ours, and preparedst Thine own;
purposing to give us meat in due season, and to fill our souls with
blessing.
Meanwhile my sins were being multiplied, and my concubine being torn
from my side as a hindrance to my marriage, my heart which clave unto
her was torn and wounded and bleeding. And she returned to Afric, vowing
unto Thee never to know any other man, leaving with me my son by her.
But unhappy I, who could not imitate a very woman, impatient of delay,
inasmuch as not till after two years was I to obtain her I sought not
being so much a lover of marriage as a slave to lust, procured another,
though no wife, that so by the servitude of an enduring custom, the
disease of my soul might be kept up and carried on in its vigour, or
even augmented, into the dominion of marriage.