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- 299542
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- 291683
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- confessions
- text
- was divided into many. Thus also, when, above, eternity delights us, and
the pleasure of temporal good holds us down below, it is the same soul
which willeth not this or that with an entire will; and therefore is
rent asunder with grievous perplexities, while out of truth it sets this
first, but out of habit sets not that aside.
Thus soul-sick was I, and tormented, accusing myself much more severely
than my wont, rolling and turning me in my chain, till that were wholly
broken, whereby I now was but just, but still was, held. And Thou, O
Lord, pressedst upon me in my inward parts by a severe mercy, redoubling
the lashes of fear and shame, lest I should again give way, and not
bursting that same slight remaining tie, it should recover strength, and
bind me the faster. For I said with myself, "Be it done now, be it done
now." And as I spake, I all but enacted it: I all but did it, and did
it not: yet sunk not back to my former state, but kept my stand hard by,
and took breath. And I essayed again, and wanted somewhat less of it,
and somewhat less, and all but touched, and laid hold of it; and yet
came not at it, nor touched nor laid hold of it; hesitating to die to
death and to live to life: and the worse whereto I was inured, prevailed
more with me than the better whereto I was unused: and the very moment
wherein I was to become other than I was, the nearer it approached me,
the greater horror did it strike into me; yet did it not strike me back,
nor turned me away, but held me in suspense.
The very toys of toys, and vanities of vanities, my ancient mistresses,
still held me; they plucked my fleshy garment, and whispered softly,
"Dost thou cast us off? and from that moment shall we no more be with
thee for ever? and from that moment shall not this or that be lawful
for thee for ever?" And what was it which they suggested in that I said,
"this or that," what did they suggest, O my God? Let Thy mercy turn it
away from the soul of Thy servant. What defilements did they suggest!
what shame! And now I much less than half heard them, and not openly
showing themselves and contradicting me, but muttering as it were behind
my back, and privily plucking me, as I was departing, but to look back
on them. Yet they did retard me, so that I hesitated to burst and
shake myself free from them, and to spring over whither I was called;
a violent habit saying to me, "Thinkest thou, thou canst live without
them?"
But now it spake very faintly. For on that side whither I had set my
face, and whither I trembled to go, there appeared unto me the chaste
dignity of Continency, serene, yet not relaxedly, gay, honestly alluring
me to come and doubt not; and stretching forth to receive and embrace
me, her holy hands full of multitudes of good examples: there were so
many young men and maidens here, a multitude of youth and every age,
grave widows and aged virgins; and Continence herself in all, not
barren, but a fruitful mother of children of joys, by Thee her Husband,
O Lord. And she smiled on me with a persuasive mockery, as would she
say, "Canst not thou what these youths, what these maidens can? or can
they either in themselves, and not rather in the Lord their God? The
Lord their God gave me unto them. Why standest thou in thyself, and
so standest not? cast thyself upon Him, fear not He will not withdraw
Himself that thou shouldest fall; cast thyself fearlessly upon Him, He
will receive, and will heal thee." And I blushed exceedingly, for that
I yet heard the muttering of those toys, and hung in suspense. And she
again seemed to say, "Stop thine ears against those thy unclean members
on the earth, that they may be mortified. They tell thee of delights,
but not as doth the law of the Lord thy God." This controversy in my
heart was self against self only. But Alypius sitting close by my side,
in silence waited the issue of my unwonted emotion.
But when a deep consideration had from the secret bottom of my soul
drawn together and heaped up all my misery in the sight of my heart;
there arose a mighty storm, bringing a mighty shower of tears. Which
that I might pour forth wholly, in its natural expressions, I rose from
Alypius: solitude was suggested to me as fitter for the business of
weeping; so I retired so far that even his presence could not be a
burden to me. Thus was it then with me, and he perceived something of
it; for something I suppose I had spoken, wherein the tones of my voice
appeared choked with weeping, and so had risen up. He then remained
where we were sitting, most extremely astonished. I cast myself down I
know not how, under a certain fig-tree, giving full vent to my tears;
and the floods of mine eyes gushed out an acceptable sacrifice to Thee.
And, not indeed in these words, yet to this purpose, spake I much unto
Thee: and Thou, O Lord, how long? how long, Lord, wilt Thou be angry for
ever? Remember not our former iniquities, for I felt that I was held by
them. I sent up these sorrowful words: How long, how long, "tomorrow,
and tomorrow?" Why not now? why not is there this hour an end to my
uncleanness?
So was I speaking and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart,
when, lo! I heard from a neighbouring house a voice, as of boy or girl,
I know not, chanting, and oft repeating, "Take up and read; Take up and
read." Instantly, my countenance altered, I began to think most intently
whether children were wont in any kind of play to sing such words: nor
could I remember ever to have heard the like. So checking the torrent
of my tears, I arose; interpreting it to be no other than a command from
God to open the book, and read the first chapter I should find. For I
had heard of Antony, that coming in during the reading of the Gospel,
he received the admonition, as if what was being read was spoken to him:
Go, sell all that thou hast, and give to the poor, and thou shalt have
treasure in heaven, and come and follow me: and by such oracle he was
forthwith converted unto Thee. Eagerly then I returned to the place
where Alypius was sitting; for there had I laid the volume of the
Apostle when I arose thence. I seized, opened, and in silence read that
section on which my eyes first fell: Not in rioting and drunkenness, not
in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying; but put ye
on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, in
concupiscence. No further would I read; nor needed I: for instantly at
the end of this sentence, by a light as it were of serenity infused into
my heart, all the darkness of doubt vanished away.
Then putting my finger between, or some other mark, I shut the volume,
and with a calmed countenance made it known to Alypius. And what was
wrought in him, which I knew not, he thus showed me. He asked to see
what I had read: I showed him; and he looked even further than I had
read, and I knew not what followed. This followed, him that is weak in
the faith, receive; which he applied to himself, and disclosed to me.
And by this admonition was he strengthened; and by a good resolution and
purpose, and most corresponding to his character, wherein he did always
very far differ from me, for the better, without any turbulent delay he
joined me. Thence we go in to my mother; we tell her; she rejoiceth: we
relate in order how it took place; she leaps for joy, and triumpheth,
and blesseth Thee, Who are able to do above that which we ask or think;
for she perceived that Thou hadst given her more for me, than she
was wont to beg by her pitiful and most sorrowful groanings. For thou
convertedst me unto Thyself, so that I sought neither wife, nor any hope
of this world, standing in that rule of faith, where Thou hadst showed
me unto her in a vision, so many years before.