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- confessions
- text
- therein being made a Christian, and one of the faithful, he departed
this life; yet hadst Thou mercy not on him only, but on us also: lest
remembering the exceeding kindness of our friend towards us, yet unable
to number him among Thy flock, we should be agonised with intolerable
sorrow. Thanks unto Thee, our God, we are Thine: Thy suggestions
and consolations tell us, Faithful in promises, Thou now requitest
Verecundus for his country-house of Cassiacum, where from the fever
of the world we reposed in Thee, with the eternal freshness of Thy
Paradise: for that Thou hast forgiven him his sins upon earth, in that
rich mountain, that mountain which yieldeth milk, Thine own mountain.
He then had at that time sorrow, but Nebridius joy. For although he
also, not being yet a Christian, had fallen into the pit of that most
pernicious error, believing the flesh of Thy Son to be a phantom: yet
emerging thence, he believed as we did; not as yet endued with any
Sacraments of Thy Church, but a most ardent searcher out of truth. Whom,
not long after our conversion and regeneration by Thy Baptism, being
also a faithful member of the Church Catholic, and serving Thee in
perfect chastity and continence amongst his people in Africa, his whole
house having through him first been made Christian, didst Thou release
from the flesh; and now he lives in Abraham's bosom. Whatever that be,
which is signified by that bosom, there lives my Nebridius, my sweet
friend, and Thy child, O Lord, adopted of a freed man: there he liveth.
For what other place is there for such a soul? There he liveth, whereof
he asked much of me, a poor inexperienced man. Now lays he not his ear
to my mouth, but his spiritual mouth unto Thy fountain, and drinketh as
much as he can receive, wisdom in proportion to his thirst, endlessly
happy. Nor do I think that he is so inebriated therewith, as to forget
me; seeing Thou, Lord, Whom he drinketh, art mindful of us. So were
we then, comforting Verecundus, who sorrowed, as far as friendship
permitted, that our conversion was of such sort; and exhorting him to
become faithful, according to his measure, namely, of a married estate;
and awaiting Nebridius to follow us, which, being so near, he was all
but doing: and so, lo! those days rolled by at length; for long and many
they seemed, for the love I bare to the easeful liberty, that I might
sing to Thee, from my inmost marrow, My heart hath said unto Thee, I
have sought Thy face: Thy face, Lord, will I seek.
Now was the day come wherein I was in deed to be freed of my Rhetoric
Professorship, whereof in thought I was already freed. And it was done.
Thou didst rescue my tongue, whence Thou hadst before rescued my heart.
And I blessed Thee, rejoicing; retiring with all mine to the villa. What
I there did in writing, which was now enlisted in Thy service, though
still, in this breathing-time as it were, panting from the school of
pride, my books may witness, as well what I debated with others, as what
with myself alone, before Thee: what with Nebridius, who was absent, my
Epistles bear witness. And when shall I have time to rehearse all Thy
great benefits towards us at that time, especially when hasting on to
yet greater mercies? For my remembrance recalls me, and pleasant is it
to me, O Lord, to confess to Thee, by what inward goads Thou tamedst me;
and how Thou hast evened me, lowering the mountains and hills of my high
imaginations, straightening my crookedness, and smoothing my rough ways;
and how Thou also subduedst the brother of my heart, Alypius, unto the
name of Thy Only Begotten, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, which
he would not at first vouchsafe to have inserted in our writings. For
rather would he have them savour of the lofty cedars of the Schools,
which the Lord hath now broken down, than of the wholesome herbs of the
Church, the antidote against serpents.
Oh, in what accents spake I unto Thee, my God, when I read the Psalms of
David, those faithful songs, and sounds of devotion, which allow of no
swelling spirit, as yet a Catechumen, and a novice in Thy real love,
resting in that villa, with Alypius a Catechumen, my mother cleaving to
us, in female garb with masculine faith, with the tranquillity of age,
motherly love, Christian piety! Oh, what accents did I utter unto Thee
in those Psalms, and how was I by them kindled towards Thee, and on
fire to rehearse them, if possible, through the whole world, against the
pride of mankind! And yet they are sung through the whole world, nor can
any hide himself from Thy heat. With what vehement and bitter sorrow was
I angered at the Manichees! and again I pitied them, for they knew not
those Sacraments, those medicines, and were mad against the antidote
which might have recovered them of their madness. How I would they
had then been somewhere near me, and without my knowing that they were
there, could have beheld my countenance, and heard my words, when I read
the fourth Psalm in that time of my rest, and how that Psalm wrought
upon me: When I called, the God of my righteousness heard me; in
tribulation Thou enlargedst me. Have mercy upon me, O Lord, and hear
my prayer. Would that what I uttered on these words, they could hear,
without my knowing whether they heard, lest they should think I spake
it for their sakes! Because in truth neither should I speak the same
things, nor in the same way, if I perceived that they heard and saw me;
nor if I spake them would they so receive them, as when I spake by and
for myself before Thee, out of the natural feelings of my soul.
I trembled for fear, and again kindled with hope, and with rejoicing in
Thy mercy, O Father; and all issued forth both by mine eyes and voice,
when Thy good Spirit turning unto us, said, O ye sons of men, how long
slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek after leasing? For I had
loved vanity, and sought after leasing. And Thou, O Lord, hadst already
magnified Thy Holy One, raising Him from the dead, and setting Him at
Thy right hand, whence from on high He should send His promise, the
Comforter, the Spirit of truth. And He had already sent Him, but I knew
it not; He had sent Him, because He was now magnified, rising again from
the dead, and ascending into heaven. For till then, the Spirit was not
yet given, because Jesus was not yet glorified. And the prophet cries
out, How long, slow of heart? why do ye love vanity, and seek after
leasing? Know this, that the Lord hath magnified His Holy One. He cries
out, How long? He cries out, Know this: and I so long, not knowing,
loved vanity, and sought after leasing: and therefore I heard and
trembled, because it was spoken unto such as I remembered myself to
have been. For in those phantoms which I had held for truths, was
there vanity and leasing; and I spake aloud many things earnestly and
forcibly, in the bitterness of my remembrance. Which would they had
heard, who yet love vanity and seek after leasing! They would perchance
have been troubled, and have vomited it up; and Thou wouldest hear them
when they cried unto Thee; for by a true death in the flesh did He die
for us, who now intercedeth unto Thee for us.
I further read, Be angry, and sin not. And how was I moved, O my God,
who had now learned to be angry at myself for things past, that I might
not sin in time to come! Yea, to be justly angry; for that it was not
another nature of a people of darkness which sinned for me, as they say
who are not angry at themselves, and treasure up wrath against the day
of wrath, and of the revelation of Thy just judgment. Nor were my good
things now without, nor sought with the eyes of flesh in that earthly
sun; for they that would have joy from without soon become vain, and
waste themselves on the things seen and temporal, and in their famished
thoughts do lick their very shadows.