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- confessions
- text
- sitting at home, a lizard catching flies, or a spider entangling them
rushing into her nets, oft-times takes my attention? Is the thing
different, because they are but small creatures? I go on from them to
praise Thee the wonderful Creator and Orderer of all, but this does not
first draw my attention. It is one thing to rise quickly, another not
to fall. And of such things is my life full; and my one hope is Thy
wonderful great mercy. For when our heart becomes the receptacle of such
things, and is overcharged with throngs of this abundant vanity, then
are our prayers also thereby often interrupted and distracted, and
whilst in Thy presence we direct the voice of our heart to Thine ears,
this so great concern is broken off by the rushing in of I know not what
idle thoughts. Shall we then account this also among things of slight
concernment, or shall aught bring us back to hope, save Thy complete
mercy, since Thou hast begun to change us?
And Thou knowest how far Thou hast already changed me, who first
healedst me of the lust of vindicating myself, that so Thou mightest
forgive all the rest of my iniquities, and heal all my infirmities,
and redeem life from corruption, and crown me with mercy and pity, and
satisfy my desire with good things: who didst curb my pride with Thy
fear, and tame my neck to Thy yoke. And now I bear it and it is light
unto me, because so hast Thou promised, and hast made it; and verily so
it was, and I knew it not, when I feared to take it.
But, O Lord, Thou alone Lord without pride, because Thou art the only
true Lord, who hast no lord; hath this third kind of temptation also
ceased from me, or can it cease through this whole life? To wish,
namely, to be feared and loved of men, for no other end, but that we
may have a joy therein which is no joy? A miserable life this and a foul
boastfulness! Hence especially it comes that men do neither purely love
nor fear Thee. And therefore dost Thou resist the proud, and givest
grace to the humble: yea, Thou thunderest down upon the ambitions of the
world, and the foundations of the mountains tremble. Because now certain
offices of human society make it necessary to be loved and feared of
men, the adversary of our true blessedness layeth hard at us, every
where spreading his snares of "well-done, well-done"; that greedily
catching at them, we may be taken unawares, and sever our joy from Thy
truth, and set it in the deceivingness of men; and be pleased at being
loved and feared, not for Thy sake, but in Thy stead: and thus having
been made like him, he may have them for his own, not in the bands of
charity, but in the bonds of punishment: who purposed to set his throne
in the north, that dark and chilled they might serve him, pervertedly
and crookedly imitating Thee. But we, O Lord, behold we are Thy little
flock; possess us as Thine, stretch Thy wings over us, and let us fly
under them. Be Thou our glory; let us be loved for Thee, and Thy word
feared in us. Who would be praised of men when Thou blamest, will not be
defended of men when Thou judgest; nor delivered when Thou condemnest.
But when--not the sinner is praised in the desires of his soul, nor he
blessed who doth ungodlily, but--a man is praised for some gift which
Thou hast given him, and he rejoices more at the praise for himself than
that he hath the gift for which he is praised, he also is praised, while
Thou dispraisest; better is he who praised than he who is praised. For
the one took pleasure in the gift of God in man; the other was better
pleased with the gift of man, than of God.
By these temptations we are assailed daily, O Lord; without ceasing are
we assailed. Our daily furnace is the tongue of men. And in this way
also Thou commandest us continence. Give what Thou enjoinest, and enjoin
what Thou wilt. Thou knowest on this matter the groans of my heart, and
the floods of mine eyes. For I cannot learn how far I am more cleansed
from this plague, and I much fear my secret sins, which Thine eyes know,
mine do not. For in other kinds of temptations I have some sort of means
of examining myself; in this, scarce any. For, in refraining my mind
from the pleasures of the flesh and idle curiosity, I see how much I
have attained to, when I do without them; foregoing, or not having them.
For then I ask myself how much more or less troublesome it is to me not
to have them? Then, riches, which are desired, that they may serve to
some one or two or all of the three concupiscences, if the soul cannot
discern whether, when it hath them, it despiseth them, they may be
cast aside, that so it may prove itself. But to be without praise,
and therein essay our powers, must we live ill, yea so abandonedly and
atrociously, that no one should know without detesting us? What greater
madness can be said or thought of? But if praise useth and ought to
accompany a good life and good works, we ought as little to forego its
company, as good life itself. Yet I know not whether I can well or ill
be without anything, unless it be absent.
What then do I confess unto Thee in this kind of temptation, O Lord?
What, but that I am delighted with praise, but with truth itself, more
than with praise? For were it proposed to me, whether I would, being
frenzied in error on all things, be praised by all men, or being
consistent and most settled in the truth be blamed by all, I see which
I should choose. Yet fain would I that the approbation of another should
not even increase my joy for any good in me. Yet I own, it doth increase
it, and not so only, but dispraise doth diminish it. And when I am
troubled at this my misery, an excuse occurs to me, which of what value
it is, Thou God knowest, for it leaves me uncertain. For since Thou hast
commanded us not continency alone, that is, from what things to refrain
our love, but righteousness also, that is, whereon to bestow it, and
hast willed us to love not Thee only, but our neighbour also; often,
when pleased with intelligent praise, I seem to myself to be pleased
with the proficiency or towardliness of my neighbour, or to be grieved
for evil in him, when I hear him dispraise either what he understands
not, or is good. For sometimes I am grieved at my own praise, either
when those things be praised in me, in which I mislike myself, or even
lesser and slight goods are more esteemed than they ought. But again how
know I whether I am therefore thus affected, because I would not have
him who praiseth me differ from me about myself; not as being influenced
by concern for him, but because those same good things which please me
in myself, please me more when they please another also? For some how I
am not praised when my judgment of myself is not praised; forasmuch
as either those things are praised, which displease me; or those more,
which please me less. Am I then doubtful of myself in this matter?
Behold, in Thee, O Truth, I see that I ought not to be moved at my own
praises, for my own sake, but for the good of my neighbour. And whether
it be so with me, I know not. For herein I know less of myself than of
Thee. I beseech now, O my God, discover to me myself also, that I may
confess unto my brethren, who are to pray for me, wherein I find myself
maimed. Let me examine myself again more diligently. If in my praise I
am moved with the good of my neighbour, why am I less moved if another
be unjustly dispraised than if it be myself? Why am I more stung by
reproach cast upon myself, than at that cast upon another, with the
same injustice, before me? Know I not this also? or is it at last that I
deceive myself, and do not the truth before Thee in my heart and tongue?
This madness put far from me, O Lord, lest mine own mouth be to me the
sinner's oil to make fat my head.