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- confessions
- text
- it be so with me, I know not. For herein I know less of myself than of
Thee. I beseech now, O my God, discover to me myself also, that I may
confess unto my brethren, who are to pray for me, wherein I find myself
maimed. Let me examine myself again more diligently. If in my praise I
am moved with the good of my neighbour, why am I less moved if another
be unjustly dispraised than if it be myself? Why am I more stung by
reproach cast upon myself, than at that cast upon another, with the
same injustice, before me? Know I not this also? or is it at last that I
deceive myself, and do not the truth before Thee in my heart and tongue?
This madness put far from me, O Lord, lest mine own mouth be to me the
sinner's oil to make fat my head. I am poor and needy; yet best, while
in hidden groanings I displease myself, and seek Thy mercy, until what
is lacking in my defective state be renewed and perfected, on to that
peace which the eye of the proud knoweth not.
Yet the word which cometh out of the mouth, and deeds known to men,
bring with them a most dangerous temptation through the love of praise:
which, to establish a certain excellency of our own, solicits and
collects men's suffrages. It tempts, even when it is reproved by myself
in myself, on the very ground that it is reproved; and often glories
more vainly of the very contempt of vain-glory; and so it is no longer
contempt of vain-glory, whereof it glories; for it doth not contemn when
it glorieth.
Within also, within is another evil, arising out of a like temptation;
whereby men become vain, pleasing themselves in themselves, though they
please not, or displease or care not to please others. But pleasing
themselves, they much displease Thee, not only taking pleasure in things
not good, as if good, but in Thy good things, as though their own; or
even if as Thine, yet as though for their own merits; or even if as
though from Thy grace, yet not with brotherly rejoicing, but envying
that grace to others. In all these and the like perils and travails,
Thou seest the trembling of my heart; and I rather feel my wounds to be
cured by Thee, than not inflicted by me.
Where hast Thou not walked with me, O Truth, teaching me what to beware,
and what to desire; when I referred to Thee what I could discover
here below, and consulted Thee? With my outward senses, as I might, I
surveyed the world, and observed the life, which my body hath from me,
and these my senses. Thence entered I the recesses of my memory, those
manifold and spacious chambers, wonderfully furnished with innumerable
stores; and I considered, and stood aghast; being able to discern
nothing of these things without Thee, and finding none of them to be
Thee. Nor was I myself, who found out these things, who went over them
all, and laboured to distinguish and to value every thing according
to its dignity, taking some things upon the report of my senses,
questioning about others which I felt to be mingled with myself,
numbering and distinguishing the reporters themselves, and in the large
treasure-house of my memory revolving some things, storing up others,
drawing out others. Nor yet was I myself when I did this, i.e., that my
power whereby I did it, neither was it Thou, for Thou art the abiding
light, which I consulted concerning all these, whether they were,
what they were, and how to be valued; and I heard Thee directing and
commanding me; and this I often do, this delights me, and as far as I
may be freed from necessary duties, unto this pleasure have I recourse.
Nor in all these which I run over consulting Thee can I find any safe
place for my soul, but in Thee; whither my scattered members may
be gathered, and nothing of me depart from Thee. And sometimes Thou
admittest me to an affection, very unusual, in my inmost soul; rising to
a strange sweetness, which if it were perfected in me, I know not what
in it would not belong to the life to come. But through my miserable
encumbrances I sink down again into these lower things, and am swept
back by former custom, and am held, and greatly weep, but am greatly
held. So much doth the burden of a bad custom weigh us down. Here I can
stay, but would not; there I would, but cannot; both ways, miserable.
Thus then have I considered the sicknesses of my sins in that threefold
concupiscence, and have called Thy right hand to my help. For with a
wounded heart have I beheld Thy brightness, and stricken back I said,
"Who can attain thither? I am cast away from the sight of Thine eyes."
Thou art the Truth who presidest over all, but I through my covetousness
would not indeed forego Thee, but would with Thee possess a lie; as no
man would in such wise speak falsely, as himself to be ignorant of the
truth. So then I lost Thee, because Thou vouchsafest not to be possessed
with a lie.
Whom could I find to reconcile me to Thee? was I to have recourse to
Angels? by what prayers? by what sacraments? Many endeavouring to return
unto Thee, and of themselves unable, have, as I hear, tried this, and
fallen into the desire of curious visions, and been accounted worthy
to be deluded. For they, being high minded, sought Thee by the pride of
learning, swelling out rather than smiting upon their breasts, and so
by the agreement of their heart, drew unto themselves the princes of the
air, the fellow-conspirators of their pride, by whom, through magical
influences, they were deceived, seeking a mediator, by whom they might
be purged, and there was none. For the devil it was, transforming
himself into an Angel of light. And it much enticed proud flesh, that he
had no body of flesh. For they were mortal, and sinners; but thou, Lord,
to whom they proudly sought to be reconciled, art immortal, and without
sin. But a mediator between God and man must have something like to God,
something like to men; lest being in both like to man, he should be
far from God: or if in both like God, too unlike man: and so not be a
mediator. That deceitful mediator then, by whom in Thy secret judgments
pride deserved to be deluded, hath one thing in common with man, that
is sin; another he would seem to have in common with God; and not being
clothed with the mortality of flesh, would vaunt himself to be immortal.
But since the wages of sin is death, this hath he in common with men,
that with them he should be condemned to death.
But the true Mediator, Whom in Thy secret mercy Thou hast showed to the
humble, and sentest, that by His example also they might learn that
same humility, that Mediator between God and man, the Man Christ Jesus,
appeared betwixt mortal sinners and the immortal just One; mortal with
men, just with God: that because the wages of righteousness is life and
peace, He might by a righteousness conjoined with God make void that
death of sinners, now made righteous, which He willed to have in common
with them. Hence He was showed forth to holy men of old; that so they,
through faith in His Passion to come, as we through faith of it passed,
might be saved. For as Man, He was a Mediator; but as the Word, not in
the middle between God and man, because equal to God, and God with God,
and together one God.
How hast Thou loved us, good Father, who sparedst not Thine only Son,
but deliveredst Him up for us ungodly! How hast Thou loved us, for whom
He that thought it no robbery to be equal with Thee, was made subject
even to the death of the cross, He alone, free among the dead, having
power to lay down His life, and power to take it again: for us to Thee
both Victor and Victim, and therefore Victor, because the Victim; for
us to Thee Priest and Sacrifice, and therefore Priest because the
Sacrifice; making us to Thee, of servants, sons by being born of Thee,
and serving us.